People Error - Oneshot {Ruki & Kai}
Mar. 10th, 2014 04:25 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
bitetoall136Title: People Error
Chapter: Oneshot
Author:![[livejournal.com profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/external/lj-userinfo.gif)
bite_to_all136
Genre: AU, Angst, Drama
Warnings: mxm relationships, inappropriate language, nondescript sex, mentions of drug use
Rating: R
Pairings/Characters: Ruki & Kai, unnamed OCs
Summary: Kai had come to the realization long ago that these vibrant places of fortitude were nothing but fiction, but it was this fictional belief that people needed to survive.
Notes: A fill for the ‘infidelity' square onkrasivayadusha's angst/fluff bingo card. :P
People Error
“What are you doing to yourself?”
Dilated eyes stare back at Kai, nothing there but abysses of never ending ebony. The sight causes shock, it sucking him into the whirlwind black hole, feeling just as dazed and confused as the man before him.
Nervous hands latch onto cheeks, holding the zoned out man upright, foreheads touching, lively and free spirited orbs staring into those of death.
“I’m leaving,” his simple reply, pools of dark rolling into the back of his head even as his body was held close in loving arms.
“Why?” Kai’s desperate.
“Because nobody needs me.” Finality.
“I need you.”
All around Kai was dark. The clouds in the sky were crying – each drop of shiny rain that fell having the ability to drown. Thunder boomed in the distance, cackling lightening following seconds later. It was dark. He was cold. From his perspective of daunt and gloomy, it looked as if the world was coming to an end. Winds were picking up in speed, sending newspapers and flyers in never ending circles through the air, pedestrians running in a muck, trying to break free from the inevitable. Umbrellas were popping up everywhere, colors of red, purple, and orange attempting to lighten the deathly atmosphere when all they really did was mask the pain and sorrow fumbling in chaos beneath.
Another echoing rage of lightening formed, causing Kai to shove his hands deeper into his thin jacket pockets and pick up pace. With heavy eyes averted to the ground, he walked across the gray slabs of concrete, allowing his body to get soaked. Swarthy strands of hair fell into his line of vision, yet all he could see was black and white. Because that’s all the world was. Murky obscurity veiled in that sheen realm of color and happiness. Color was added to make things seem ok, to allow people to believe that there was hope and their lives weren’t completely meaningless. Kai had come to the realization long ago that these vibrant places of fortitude were nothing but fiction, but it was this fictional belief that people needed to survive.
Cutting down another street, walking for only seconds before he took a twist, made a turn, and entered a familiar building. It was already after four in the afternoon, meaning the halls he walked down were nothing but silent. The dripping of raindrops from his drenched clothing reverberated off the walls, sending a shiver up his numb spine. Listening carefully to the thumping of heavy boots against glistening tile, his eyes still refused to leave the ground, dark pools of black stretched from the unnerving shock that refused to leave his body. Knowing that to each side of him lay carefully decorated walls of drawings and words if inspiration, he again picked up his pace, counting his steps until he reached the room he was looking for.
With a heavy breath he made another twist, took another turn, and with only three small steps, he entered his own palace of feigned fortitude. The door was shut silently behind him, eyes closing for less than a second as he leaned against the structure, throwing a shaky sigh to the ceiling. When dark orbs finally opened they were met with twenty eight small desks grouped into the even number of four. A large poster took up the length of half a wall, it sporting the English alphabet and instructions on how to properly pronounce each letter. Right next to it lie the structure for basic kanji, leaving the rest of the walls to be decorated in every shade the color wheel had to offer. Drawings of perfect families, of loving parents and even the family dog. It was gut twistingly happy, but all it did was make Kai feel calm. Here in this classroom everything always relaxed him, because he knew these creations came from the minds of children – the pure and meek. They hadn’t yet been tainted by what the real world had to offer, they were stable.
“Kai? What’re you doing here?”
The deep voice carried him to the mahogany desk across the room, where he found Ruki sitting in a swivel chair behind small stacks of papers. His light brown hair had thin streaks of blond in thick tresses of waves, angled pieces falling as a set of fringe over his left eye. A white collared shirt covered partially by a light black suit jacket, heavily framed glasses decorating his heart shaped face, and a loose ebony tie dangling from his neck -- Ruki was the personification of dark. Yet every time Kai needed that smidge of extra light in his life, this was the man he came to.
The red marking pen in Ruki’s right hand dropped to the desk, face set in a worried scowl as he stood and shimmied to the front of Kai, grabbing him by his shoulders, “You’re soaked,” his grip tightened, smooth baritone voice sounding strong and gruff in the silence of the room, “Let’s get you warm.”
Escorted to the adjoining middle room, a light flickered on and the smooth hands on Kai’s shoulders raised. Some bustling around was heard, and then a single hand was touching his back; Ruki handing him a stack of extra clothing. Because teachers always had a change of clothing, especially elementary ones.
Trembling hands unzip the light jacket, the soggy material splatting as it hit the ground, and even though Ruki has seen him naked hundreds of times, Kai still finds himself facing away and turning his back towards the other as he begins to lift the hem of his equally soaked shirt. As the warmth of the small space hits his chilled skin, nothing but cold is felt, but when Ruki’s fingers of icy cold trace various patterns on his back, Kai can’t help but feel a shuddering patch of contrasting warmth.
“You need to leave him.”
The deep voice is close as he speaks, Kai flinching a bit in pain as fingers glide over a particularly tender bruise. Ruki’s eyes can be felt boring into his battered skin, Kai able to feel the sympathy the man held just from the stare alone.
“You know I can’t.”
He shudders again as warm breath puffs against his neck, Ruki’s rich lips pressing against his naked shoulder and hands squeezing softly on scrawny upper arms. Delicate strands of professionally diffused locks rest upon that very shoulder, he able to feel Ruki’s eyelashes flutter shut against damp skin, thick hair absorbing some strayed rain.
“Why not?”
It’s a whisper, a heartbreaking whisper, and Kai feels himself go rigid on the spot. Ruki’s so close, stomach seated directly against a shaking back and hands having glided down and wrapped around a trim and equally as bruised waist.
A ball of unknowing feelings is created in the center of his throat, words weak as he spoke.
“Because he needs me.”
A sorrowful sigh is released; Kai able to hear, feel, and smell the disappointment Ruki is expressing, and then a warm kiss is placed to the center of his upper back where shoulder blades meet.
“But you don’t need him…”
***
Even the next day when it’s bright and sunny, Kai’s still surrounded in darkness. Arms laced in never ending black ink are wrapped snuggly around his waist, empty eyes staring impassively at the dull light crossing the base of the ceiling as all the early morning city noises come about, abusing his ears and taking away the peaceful silence he’d been able to find in the gruff of the night.
The face buried against his neck breathes lightly, the scent of smoke and alleyway lingering, making Kai feel nauseated. He tries to break away, but he can’t. Neither physically nor emotionally – he’s stuck in this very spot. The arms around him used to offer love and support, just as he did the same in return. But now, now all they do is make his stomach churn. He wants out, but there’s no leaving. His colorless reality was chosen for him eight years ago we he saved the man sleeping beside him.
How he was able to do it every time, Kai wasn’t sure. How he was able to reach out to Ruki, use him and get what he needed, only to slide out from the arms of comfort in the middle of the night and slip back into those of harm and injustice, he just wasn’t sure. But it was something that had been going on for what seemed like an eternity, something that seemed endless.
Sudden movement from his left causes his gaze to avert from the ceiling, finding the older man next to him recently awake, long lashes fluttering open and closed before a set of piercing hazel orbs glance up at him. A few days old stubble brushes against Kai’s cheek as the man angles his head and presses a chaste kiss to his forehead, a mumbled ‘Morning love’ falling on heavy ears like acid.
Kai goes still from the touch, unknowing of how the other is going to react. There were days of peace and calm, but then there were those where he’d notice the track marks in the bend of the inked man’s arms were fresh and more prominent that usual, which typically ended in more colors of black and purple being adhered to his own pale body.
“Morning,” he manages a low reply, already feeling his chest tightening as arms are snuggled back around him; sloppy, slow kisses beginning to litter his body making his feel repulsed, wanting nothing more than to push away, but refusing to make a sound. He hated this. Hated the man above him. But still, he stayed.
Because they needed each other…
Or at least, that’s what Kai told himself.
Like a rag doll, his body was left exhausted and used; completely unmoving. The man who he loved with his all at one point stands from the bed, sliding on his pants and shirt, leaving Kai with a pat on the head that seems to show him just what his role is in this relationship. He can’t move, he can’t breathe. He feels like he’s suffocating. So for hours, he lies there, covered in sweat and come, continuing with his empty, numb stare. Everything’s so black and white, so easy to decipher, yet nothing changes.
Hours later but still all too soon, those arms of injustice are back around him. Kai can hear him walk through the front door; steps staggered and the crashing of frames and vases following. The brunette hasn’t moved an inch since this morning, it now dark outside, but then the bedroom door is slammed opened, parades of ink coming into view from the glow of the dim moon.
His chest tightens once more, and then his roommate, his supposed partner, is back above him. Hazy eyes stare deep, a new smell attacking Kai’s senses. He feels disgusted.
“You went to see him again, didn’t you?” a meek whisper.
Kai knows his question is useless and completely hypocritical. After all, he had Ruki, so didn’t that make him one in the same?
An answer never resounds. Instead a swift smack to his face, which left a biting split of skin across his cheek, is received. The pain resonates from his jaw to his hairline, but still, he feels numb and doesn’t protest. He allows the touches that are too rough to blister his skin, allows degrading lips to map themselves over his skin, allows himself to be penetrated over again and again until he’s on the verge of passing out, watching with tired eyes as the man he did his all to save walked away from him, out of the room, not caring in the least about the desolate state of mind he’s left him in.
***
It was raining again. Sunday, and it’s raining. The day kids are supposed to be at home, playing in the backyard with bright smiles on their faces, basking in the sun as they chase each other around in a game of tag. That’s what Sunday’s were supposed to be. But instead, everyone is trapped inside, playing video games and ignoring their parents, ignoring their loved ones so they can beat the next level of the latest shooting game. Because, again, that’s what the world has come to. Materialistic objects that justify what reality is – nobody actually wants to be happy, we’re all too busy holding grudges and planning our next kill. Our verbal attacks, how we’re going to corner somebody and take revenge. We’re preparing for a war we didn’t even know we were fighting.
Everything was supposed to get better with age, but instead all around us, the world is falling apart. Happiness is drained, hope is lost. Nothing is left but the weak will to survive, and having to live life like that is miserable.
The rain continues to fall, Kai walking past buildings which were falling apart, eventually passing by the elementary school, only to stop and stare. It was so empty. Not a flicker of light, not a sign activity. Simply nothing – exactly how he felt. That was a dangerous feeling, so with quick feet he crossed the town, finding himself in front of a familiar apartment complex.
Up three flights of steps and through a corridor, he finds himself knocking lightly on a steel door. Ruki answers moments later, his thick tress wet and a towel around his trimmed waist, the steam across his thick glasses only further proving he’d just exited the shower.
Kai looks up, pushing damp swarthy locks out of his face, hearing Ruki gasp with anger.
“I’m going to fucking kill him.”
Ruki’s hand moves in and cups a bruised cheek, his thumb running along the cut. Kai’s eyes flutter shut, a feeling of calm euphoria washing over him. Ruki was warm, so warm.
“Why does it matter?” Kai asks numbly, eyes opening and still looking nothing but dead as Ruki’s own beam at him with concern.
“What do you mean?”
“There’s no point in stopping him…he’s already killed me.”
He can see something shatter in Ruki at his rendered reply, but he can’t even bring himself to care. He simply allows himself to be dragged further into the small apartment, allows Ruki to take care of and wash up his bruises, and then he allows their lips to crash.
A hand is tangled in Ruki’s hair, laying the smaller man’s back against the couch, unoccupied hand moving south and untying the towel, leaving him completely bare.
Ruki moans into his mouth, slowly undressing Kai, feeling cold skin become heated once icy clothing is removed; warm, caring touches caressing his body. It feels exhilarating. Tongues lap desperately, and then arousals are grinding, Kai breaking away and beginning to kiss down Ruki’s body. They contradict each other. Ruki’s pale and smooth and Kai’s rough, jagged, and looks like a paint palette of darks. But somehow, they still work. They still keep each other going.
He kisses down to Ruki’s thigh, sucking on white skin, bringing up bruises that have the opposite meaning of his own. Ruki gasps, arching up off the couch, urging Kai to touch him more, to forget about everything that isn’t him and completely lose himself.
Kai knows what all these little groans and pleading movements mean. How desperate they are for each other even if they’ve only been separated for two days. They require each other’s touch to go on, and he knows that Ruki lives in fear that if he continues to stay with the man he thought needed him, he’d lose him for good.
Breaths are heavy as he makes his way back up Ruki’s lithe body, the smaller man’s hands trailing his entire body, carefully running over battered skin. The small lotion bottle resting on the coffee table is grabbed, the condom resting in Kai’s pants pocket is received, and then he’s pushing into Ruki slowly, muffling desperation with lips, kissing each other hard and deep.
Kai thrusts gently, knowing how much he is hurt mentally when dealt with unkindly. Ruki’s held close, sitting in his lap and nails digging into a sweaty back as Kai’s hips move with languish, gently sucking on Ruki’s collarbone.
“Kai…nghh-fuck, Kai…”
Hearing his own name is unique – feeling recognition that he’s never allowed. With Ruki, he’s actually somebody, he has meaning. However, at this moment, he feels he doesn’t deserve anything, so his lips cover Ruki’s once again, silencing him with his tongue.
Their naked bodies continue to rub against each other, water from the rain and shower, sweat from the heat and clustered movement. Ruki eventually tosses his head back, biting his lip to muffle a scream as his release splatters against Kai’s stomach. The sight was like one of the seven wonders of the world, or possibly maybe even one of the seven deadly sins, and each time Kai watches as plush lips part and delicate, filled out features scrunch in pleasure, amazed by the man before him. Because in that moment, Ruki had a glow to him that was bright enough to save their dying world. He brought color into misery.
When Kai finally comes, his expression is nowhere near as bright as Ruki’s. It’s dazed. Anesthetized. He’s broken and incomplete, possibly never able to again feel whole.
But then they shower together and lay side by side in bed, Ruki’s arms instantly wrapping around him. Kai buries his face into his chest, hands stroking through damp hair adding a calming effect. Ruki stamps a swift kiss to his temple, Kai inhales the other’s sweet and undeceiving scent, and then…he cries.
He cries for what seems like seconds, but in all reality is hours. They’re quiet tears, and he knows the only reason Ruki knows what’s happening is because it’s routine and he’s literally soaking the other man’s shirt through and through with the salty liquid. It’s not weakness that’s being shown, instead it’s proof that he still has a will to live, that he’s still here and still human.
That even with how numb he has become, he still hurts.
“Kai,” soft fingers lift his face, forcing him to look at Ruki with red and puffy eyes, “You have to leave him, he’s destroying you.” That deep, husky voice was determined, and Kai knew Ruki was right.
A bitter smile appears, Kai shaking uncontrollably for reasons even unknown to him, “I can’t, Ru…he’ll…he’ll fall apart without me.”
Foreheads are plastered together, Ruki grasping Kai’s cheeks and closing his eyes, taking a deep and calming breath, ignoring Kai’s words. “Just stay with me, I’ll keep you safe,” a soft sigh, “He’s not your responsibility, Kai. Let him destroy his own life, you still have your own to live.”
It was the same speech Ruki gave him every time, but the expression he wore tonight was completely different. It was raw, painstakingly worried, and for the first time since the night prior, Kai was able to catch a glimpse of himself in the corner mirror across the room. He looked like death. Face gaunt, battered skin, he wasn’t even sure how he was functioning right now.
Unable to look at the drastic sight anymore, he turned back towards Ruki, finding his expression unchanged. Those glossy eyes shed the light Kai needed to go on, and saying nothing, he curled himself back into Ruki’s hold, allowing those arms to stay wrapped around him the whole night through for the first time ever.
***
The night was perfect. Kai’s eyes remaining shut for an entire eight hours, for once getting a peaceful and full sleep. Ruki’s arms were still wrapped securely around him when he awoke, a smile being offered, followed by a chaste peck to the lips. For about an hour, they simply laid like that, enjoying each other’s warmth, not having to wake up alone or in vengeful arms.
When Ruki finally released his hold, he told Kai to stay in bed, and thirty minutes later a small breakfast in bed was shared, both conversing and actually laughing, everything for once seeming okay. It eventually came time for Ruki to go to work, the pair walking to the school together. It was sunny and everything seemed so, so different. Black was yellow, white was blue, and their surroundings seemed to have meaning. The world wasn’t murky, Kai feeling almost relieved.
Almost, because he couldn’t be completely relived, a heavy weight resting in his stomach since he crawled out of bed. Something just didn’t feel right, but he still continued to offer Ruki smiles throughout the day, the teacher having forced him to get a visitors pass and help out in the classroom.
Being around the children helped drastically, Kai able to feel their stability, being overwhelmed with security and warmth when it came to play time and every student surrounded him and put band aids on his bruises, wanting him to be all better again. They didn’t judge, they couldn’t. They we’re pure, having no recollection of how bad the world could possibly be, and that, along with the happy smirks Ruki would throw his way from across the classroom, made that uneasy lump in his stomach disappear.
His ambition to keep going was slowly beginning to get renewed, but he knew it was apparent it was going to take years to get back to 100 percent.
3 o’clock rolls around, and slowly, the kids begin leaving with their parents to go home. By 4 o’clock, each of the 28 students are gone, leaving him and Ruki alone. And by 4:02, Ruki’s arms are encircling him from behind yet again, Kai able to feel the smile on his lips as he trails light kisses up his neck.
“You seem happier today,” the kisses never stop, Kai leaning back into the hold, resting his head on Ruki’s shoulder.
“I think that’s because I actually am.”
A hum vibrates against sensitive skin, Ruki tilting his head and looking Kai straight on, “Good. I’m taking you out to celebrate. Go back to that asshole’s place, pack your things, and make sure you have something nice to wear. You’re getting the royal treatment tonight.”
The true intentions behind Ruki’s words went unsaid, but Kai knew exactly what he meant. Go home, talk things out – actually leave him. Leave the man who’d been the start of his life but was slowly beginning to end it – depart and star anew.
It was only after he left the school building and was alone again did that sinking feeling make its way back into the pit of his stomach. Walking three blocks, the world around him seemed to darken again, and it wasn’t only due to the incoming rain clouds. Something was wrong, he could sense it, so his steps became larger, his pace faster, until he broke into a sprint.
A drizzle of rain started, and by the time he was a block away from his now former home, a downpour started. The rain was falling hard and fast, oceans upon oceans falling from the sky, but that didn’t prevent Kai from seeing the luminance of red lights flickering outside the apartment complex, a gathering of people circled around the outskirts of the emergency vehicle.
That tight feeling in his stomach only worsened, mounts of hysterical heaving beginning to fall from his lips as he scanned the crowd and identified a half dressed man standing in the rain, looking lost; unknowing what to do now that inked arms weren’t guiding him through with instructions.
And that’s when Kai knew.
He pushed past the crowd, ignored the calls and demands of paramedics, and within seconds he was standing in the doorway that offered him nothing but pain. Entering, pushing off grabby hands, he went to the back bedroom, and that’s where he lie.
Body pale, needle still in arm, and eyes empty. It was the exact state Kai had found him in eight years ago, except now there was no life force. No small chest movements, no vehement cries of self-hatred. Everything was simply still. Blank.
The afterimage of death before his eyes was too much, legs shaking as he ran to the bathroom, emptying the sparse contents of his stomach into the sink. He couldn’t unforsee something so tragic.
They’d both been right all along. He did need him, and one night of negligence ended an almost decade long routine.
Body still shaking, he couldn’t move. Eyes remained staring at tile floor, strangers alike entering and exiting the bathroom, trying to speak to him but failing each and every time. When the sun disappeared and was replaced by the moon, he was finally completely alone, still unmoving.
Darkness was taking over once more, but then footsteps were heard, Ruki’s lithe figure bent down in front of him seconds later, a hand squeezing lightly his shoulder.
Finally able to look up, Kai sported the apologetic look on Ruki’s face, but more than that, that glittering glow was back.
“Let’s get you home.”
Those words, that ray of light. It was all Kai needed to finally unfreeze and start moving again.
With Ruki’s arms around the small of his back, they walked out into the night, the atmosphere suddenly lighter.
He had needed him.
He had failed him.
But now, Kai was free.
***
Author's Note: This is honestly the most depressing thing I've written in a while. =/ But...I think I like it.
I know I have comments and messages to get back to, and I probably will later tonight, but as of right now I'm tired and my eyes are burning. (U__U)zzZZZZ.
As usual, mistakes are probably everywhere. xD
Hope you all enjoyed~. ^__^
Chapter: Oneshot
Author:
bite_to_all136Genre: AU, Angst, Drama
Warnings: mxm relationships, inappropriate language, nondescript sex, mentions of drug use
Rating: R
Pairings/Characters: Ruki & Kai, unnamed OCs
Summary: Kai had come to the realization long ago that these vibrant places of fortitude were nothing but fiction, but it was this fictional belief that people needed to survive.
Notes: A fill for the ‘infidelity' square on
krasivayadusha's angst/fluff bingo card. :P“What are you doing to yourself?”
Dilated eyes stare back at Kai, nothing there but abysses of never ending ebony. The sight causes shock, it sucking him into the whirlwind black hole, feeling just as dazed and confused as the man before him.
Nervous hands latch onto cheeks, holding the zoned out man upright, foreheads touching, lively and free spirited orbs staring into those of death.
“I’m leaving,” his simple reply, pools of dark rolling into the back of his head even as his body was held close in loving arms.
“Why?” Kai’s desperate.
“Because nobody needs me.” Finality.
“I need you.”
All around Kai was dark. The clouds in the sky were crying – each drop of shiny rain that fell having the ability to drown. Thunder boomed in the distance, cackling lightening following seconds later. It was dark. He was cold. From his perspective of daunt and gloomy, it looked as if the world was coming to an end. Winds were picking up in speed, sending newspapers and flyers in never ending circles through the air, pedestrians running in a muck, trying to break free from the inevitable. Umbrellas were popping up everywhere, colors of red, purple, and orange attempting to lighten the deathly atmosphere when all they really did was mask the pain and sorrow fumbling in chaos beneath.
Another echoing rage of lightening formed, causing Kai to shove his hands deeper into his thin jacket pockets and pick up pace. With heavy eyes averted to the ground, he walked across the gray slabs of concrete, allowing his body to get soaked. Swarthy strands of hair fell into his line of vision, yet all he could see was black and white. Because that’s all the world was. Murky obscurity veiled in that sheen realm of color and happiness. Color was added to make things seem ok, to allow people to believe that there was hope and their lives weren’t completely meaningless. Kai had come to the realization long ago that these vibrant places of fortitude were nothing but fiction, but it was this fictional belief that people needed to survive.
Cutting down another street, walking for only seconds before he took a twist, made a turn, and entered a familiar building. It was already after four in the afternoon, meaning the halls he walked down were nothing but silent. The dripping of raindrops from his drenched clothing reverberated off the walls, sending a shiver up his numb spine. Listening carefully to the thumping of heavy boots against glistening tile, his eyes still refused to leave the ground, dark pools of black stretched from the unnerving shock that refused to leave his body. Knowing that to each side of him lay carefully decorated walls of drawings and words if inspiration, he again picked up his pace, counting his steps until he reached the room he was looking for.
With a heavy breath he made another twist, took another turn, and with only three small steps, he entered his own palace of feigned fortitude. The door was shut silently behind him, eyes closing for less than a second as he leaned against the structure, throwing a shaky sigh to the ceiling. When dark orbs finally opened they were met with twenty eight small desks grouped into the even number of four. A large poster took up the length of half a wall, it sporting the English alphabet and instructions on how to properly pronounce each letter. Right next to it lie the structure for basic kanji, leaving the rest of the walls to be decorated in every shade the color wheel had to offer. Drawings of perfect families, of loving parents and even the family dog. It was gut twistingly happy, but all it did was make Kai feel calm. Here in this classroom everything always relaxed him, because he knew these creations came from the minds of children – the pure and meek. They hadn’t yet been tainted by what the real world had to offer, they were stable.
“Kai? What’re you doing here?”
The deep voice carried him to the mahogany desk across the room, where he found Ruki sitting in a swivel chair behind small stacks of papers. His light brown hair had thin streaks of blond in thick tresses of waves, angled pieces falling as a set of fringe over his left eye. A white collared shirt covered partially by a light black suit jacket, heavily framed glasses decorating his heart shaped face, and a loose ebony tie dangling from his neck -- Ruki was the personification of dark. Yet every time Kai needed that smidge of extra light in his life, this was the man he came to.
The red marking pen in Ruki’s right hand dropped to the desk, face set in a worried scowl as he stood and shimmied to the front of Kai, grabbing him by his shoulders, “You’re soaked,” his grip tightened, smooth baritone voice sounding strong and gruff in the silence of the room, “Let’s get you warm.”
Escorted to the adjoining middle room, a light flickered on and the smooth hands on Kai’s shoulders raised. Some bustling around was heard, and then a single hand was touching his back; Ruki handing him a stack of extra clothing. Because teachers always had a change of clothing, especially elementary ones.
Trembling hands unzip the light jacket, the soggy material splatting as it hit the ground, and even though Ruki has seen him naked hundreds of times, Kai still finds himself facing away and turning his back towards the other as he begins to lift the hem of his equally soaked shirt. As the warmth of the small space hits his chilled skin, nothing but cold is felt, but when Ruki’s fingers of icy cold trace various patterns on his back, Kai can’t help but feel a shuddering patch of contrasting warmth.
“You need to leave him.”
The deep voice is close as he speaks, Kai flinching a bit in pain as fingers glide over a particularly tender bruise. Ruki’s eyes can be felt boring into his battered skin, Kai able to feel the sympathy the man held just from the stare alone.
“You know I can’t.”
He shudders again as warm breath puffs against his neck, Ruki’s rich lips pressing against his naked shoulder and hands squeezing softly on scrawny upper arms. Delicate strands of professionally diffused locks rest upon that very shoulder, he able to feel Ruki’s eyelashes flutter shut against damp skin, thick hair absorbing some strayed rain.
“Why not?”
It’s a whisper, a heartbreaking whisper, and Kai feels himself go rigid on the spot. Ruki’s so close, stomach seated directly against a shaking back and hands having glided down and wrapped around a trim and equally as bruised waist.
A ball of unknowing feelings is created in the center of his throat, words weak as he spoke.
“Because he needs me.”
A sorrowful sigh is released; Kai able to hear, feel, and smell the disappointment Ruki is expressing, and then a warm kiss is placed to the center of his upper back where shoulder blades meet.
“But you don’t need him…”
Even the next day when it’s bright and sunny, Kai’s still surrounded in darkness. Arms laced in never ending black ink are wrapped snuggly around his waist, empty eyes staring impassively at the dull light crossing the base of the ceiling as all the early morning city noises come about, abusing his ears and taking away the peaceful silence he’d been able to find in the gruff of the night.
The face buried against his neck breathes lightly, the scent of smoke and alleyway lingering, making Kai feel nauseated. He tries to break away, but he can’t. Neither physically nor emotionally – he’s stuck in this very spot. The arms around him used to offer love and support, just as he did the same in return. But now, now all they do is make his stomach churn. He wants out, but there’s no leaving. His colorless reality was chosen for him eight years ago we he saved the man sleeping beside him.
How he was able to do it every time, Kai wasn’t sure. How he was able to reach out to Ruki, use him and get what he needed, only to slide out from the arms of comfort in the middle of the night and slip back into those of harm and injustice, he just wasn’t sure. But it was something that had been going on for what seemed like an eternity, something that seemed endless.
Sudden movement from his left causes his gaze to avert from the ceiling, finding the older man next to him recently awake, long lashes fluttering open and closed before a set of piercing hazel orbs glance up at him. A few days old stubble brushes against Kai’s cheek as the man angles his head and presses a chaste kiss to his forehead, a mumbled ‘Morning love’ falling on heavy ears like acid.
Kai goes still from the touch, unknowing of how the other is going to react. There were days of peace and calm, but then there were those where he’d notice the track marks in the bend of the inked man’s arms were fresh and more prominent that usual, which typically ended in more colors of black and purple being adhered to his own pale body.
“Morning,” he manages a low reply, already feeling his chest tightening as arms are snuggled back around him; sloppy, slow kisses beginning to litter his body making his feel repulsed, wanting nothing more than to push away, but refusing to make a sound. He hated this. Hated the man above him. But still, he stayed.
Because they needed each other…
Or at least, that’s what Kai told himself.
Like a rag doll, his body was left exhausted and used; completely unmoving. The man who he loved with his all at one point stands from the bed, sliding on his pants and shirt, leaving Kai with a pat on the head that seems to show him just what his role is in this relationship. He can’t move, he can’t breathe. He feels like he’s suffocating. So for hours, he lies there, covered in sweat and come, continuing with his empty, numb stare. Everything’s so black and white, so easy to decipher, yet nothing changes.
Hours later but still all too soon, those arms of injustice are back around him. Kai can hear him walk through the front door; steps staggered and the crashing of frames and vases following. The brunette hasn’t moved an inch since this morning, it now dark outside, but then the bedroom door is slammed opened, parades of ink coming into view from the glow of the dim moon.
His chest tightens once more, and then his roommate, his supposed partner, is back above him. Hazy eyes stare deep, a new smell attacking Kai’s senses. He feels disgusted.
“You went to see him again, didn’t you?” a meek whisper.
Kai knows his question is useless and completely hypocritical. After all, he had Ruki, so didn’t that make him one in the same?
An answer never resounds. Instead a swift smack to his face, which left a biting split of skin across his cheek, is received. The pain resonates from his jaw to his hairline, but still, he feels numb and doesn’t protest. He allows the touches that are too rough to blister his skin, allows degrading lips to map themselves over his skin, allows himself to be penetrated over again and again until he’s on the verge of passing out, watching with tired eyes as the man he did his all to save walked away from him, out of the room, not caring in the least about the desolate state of mind he’s left him in.
It was raining again. Sunday, and it’s raining. The day kids are supposed to be at home, playing in the backyard with bright smiles on their faces, basking in the sun as they chase each other around in a game of tag. That’s what Sunday’s were supposed to be. But instead, everyone is trapped inside, playing video games and ignoring their parents, ignoring their loved ones so they can beat the next level of the latest shooting game. Because, again, that’s what the world has come to. Materialistic objects that justify what reality is – nobody actually wants to be happy, we’re all too busy holding grudges and planning our next kill. Our verbal attacks, how we’re going to corner somebody and take revenge. We’re preparing for a war we didn’t even know we were fighting.
Everything was supposed to get better with age, but instead all around us, the world is falling apart. Happiness is drained, hope is lost. Nothing is left but the weak will to survive, and having to live life like that is miserable.
The rain continues to fall, Kai walking past buildings which were falling apart, eventually passing by the elementary school, only to stop and stare. It was so empty. Not a flicker of light, not a sign activity. Simply nothing – exactly how he felt. That was a dangerous feeling, so with quick feet he crossed the town, finding himself in front of a familiar apartment complex.
Up three flights of steps and through a corridor, he finds himself knocking lightly on a steel door. Ruki answers moments later, his thick tress wet and a towel around his trimmed waist, the steam across his thick glasses only further proving he’d just exited the shower.
Kai looks up, pushing damp swarthy locks out of his face, hearing Ruki gasp with anger.
“I’m going to fucking kill him.”
Ruki’s hand moves in and cups a bruised cheek, his thumb running along the cut. Kai’s eyes flutter shut, a feeling of calm euphoria washing over him. Ruki was warm, so warm.
“Why does it matter?” Kai asks numbly, eyes opening and still looking nothing but dead as Ruki’s own beam at him with concern.
“What do you mean?”
“There’s no point in stopping him…he’s already killed me.”
He can see something shatter in Ruki at his rendered reply, but he can’t even bring himself to care. He simply allows himself to be dragged further into the small apartment, allows Ruki to take care of and wash up his bruises, and then he allows their lips to crash.
A hand is tangled in Ruki’s hair, laying the smaller man’s back against the couch, unoccupied hand moving south and untying the towel, leaving him completely bare.
Ruki moans into his mouth, slowly undressing Kai, feeling cold skin become heated once icy clothing is removed; warm, caring touches caressing his body. It feels exhilarating. Tongues lap desperately, and then arousals are grinding, Kai breaking away and beginning to kiss down Ruki’s body. They contradict each other. Ruki’s pale and smooth and Kai’s rough, jagged, and looks like a paint palette of darks. But somehow, they still work. They still keep each other going.
He kisses down to Ruki’s thigh, sucking on white skin, bringing up bruises that have the opposite meaning of his own. Ruki gasps, arching up off the couch, urging Kai to touch him more, to forget about everything that isn’t him and completely lose himself.
Kai knows what all these little groans and pleading movements mean. How desperate they are for each other even if they’ve only been separated for two days. They require each other’s touch to go on, and he knows that Ruki lives in fear that if he continues to stay with the man he thought needed him, he’d lose him for good.
Breaths are heavy as he makes his way back up Ruki’s lithe body, the smaller man’s hands trailing his entire body, carefully running over battered skin. The small lotion bottle resting on the coffee table is grabbed, the condom resting in Kai’s pants pocket is received, and then he’s pushing into Ruki slowly, muffling desperation with lips, kissing each other hard and deep.
Kai thrusts gently, knowing how much he is hurt mentally when dealt with unkindly. Ruki’s held close, sitting in his lap and nails digging into a sweaty back as Kai’s hips move with languish, gently sucking on Ruki’s collarbone.
“Kai…nghh-fuck, Kai…”
Hearing his own name is unique – feeling recognition that he’s never allowed. With Ruki, he’s actually somebody, he has meaning. However, at this moment, he feels he doesn’t deserve anything, so his lips cover Ruki’s once again, silencing him with his tongue.
Their naked bodies continue to rub against each other, water from the rain and shower, sweat from the heat and clustered movement. Ruki eventually tosses his head back, biting his lip to muffle a scream as his release splatters against Kai’s stomach. The sight was like one of the seven wonders of the world, or possibly maybe even one of the seven deadly sins, and each time Kai watches as plush lips part and delicate, filled out features scrunch in pleasure, amazed by the man before him. Because in that moment, Ruki had a glow to him that was bright enough to save their dying world. He brought color into misery.
When Kai finally comes, his expression is nowhere near as bright as Ruki’s. It’s dazed. Anesthetized. He’s broken and incomplete, possibly never able to again feel whole.
But then they shower together and lay side by side in bed, Ruki’s arms instantly wrapping around him. Kai buries his face into his chest, hands stroking through damp hair adding a calming effect. Ruki stamps a swift kiss to his temple, Kai inhales the other’s sweet and undeceiving scent, and then…he cries.
He cries for what seems like seconds, but in all reality is hours. They’re quiet tears, and he knows the only reason Ruki knows what’s happening is because it’s routine and he’s literally soaking the other man’s shirt through and through with the salty liquid. It’s not weakness that’s being shown, instead it’s proof that he still has a will to live, that he’s still here and still human.
That even with how numb he has become, he still hurts.
“Kai,” soft fingers lift his face, forcing him to look at Ruki with red and puffy eyes, “You have to leave him, he’s destroying you.” That deep, husky voice was determined, and Kai knew Ruki was right.
A bitter smile appears, Kai shaking uncontrollably for reasons even unknown to him, “I can’t, Ru…he’ll…he’ll fall apart without me.”
Foreheads are plastered together, Ruki grasping Kai’s cheeks and closing his eyes, taking a deep and calming breath, ignoring Kai’s words. “Just stay with me, I’ll keep you safe,” a soft sigh, “He’s not your responsibility, Kai. Let him destroy his own life, you still have your own to live.”
It was the same speech Ruki gave him every time, but the expression he wore tonight was completely different. It was raw, painstakingly worried, and for the first time since the night prior, Kai was able to catch a glimpse of himself in the corner mirror across the room. He looked like death. Face gaunt, battered skin, he wasn’t even sure how he was functioning right now.
Unable to look at the drastic sight anymore, he turned back towards Ruki, finding his expression unchanged. Those glossy eyes shed the light Kai needed to go on, and saying nothing, he curled himself back into Ruki’s hold, allowing those arms to stay wrapped around him the whole night through for the first time ever.
The night was perfect. Kai’s eyes remaining shut for an entire eight hours, for once getting a peaceful and full sleep. Ruki’s arms were still wrapped securely around him when he awoke, a smile being offered, followed by a chaste peck to the lips. For about an hour, they simply laid like that, enjoying each other’s warmth, not having to wake up alone or in vengeful arms.
When Ruki finally released his hold, he told Kai to stay in bed, and thirty minutes later a small breakfast in bed was shared, both conversing and actually laughing, everything for once seeming okay. It eventually came time for Ruki to go to work, the pair walking to the school together. It was sunny and everything seemed so, so different. Black was yellow, white was blue, and their surroundings seemed to have meaning. The world wasn’t murky, Kai feeling almost relieved.
Almost, because he couldn’t be completely relived, a heavy weight resting in his stomach since he crawled out of bed. Something just didn’t feel right, but he still continued to offer Ruki smiles throughout the day, the teacher having forced him to get a visitors pass and help out in the classroom.
Being around the children helped drastically, Kai able to feel their stability, being overwhelmed with security and warmth when it came to play time and every student surrounded him and put band aids on his bruises, wanting him to be all better again. They didn’t judge, they couldn’t. They we’re pure, having no recollection of how bad the world could possibly be, and that, along with the happy smirks Ruki would throw his way from across the classroom, made that uneasy lump in his stomach disappear.
His ambition to keep going was slowly beginning to get renewed, but he knew it was apparent it was going to take years to get back to 100 percent.
3 o’clock rolls around, and slowly, the kids begin leaving with their parents to go home. By 4 o’clock, each of the 28 students are gone, leaving him and Ruki alone. And by 4:02, Ruki’s arms are encircling him from behind yet again, Kai able to feel the smile on his lips as he trails light kisses up his neck.
“You seem happier today,” the kisses never stop, Kai leaning back into the hold, resting his head on Ruki’s shoulder.
“I think that’s because I actually am.”
A hum vibrates against sensitive skin, Ruki tilting his head and looking Kai straight on, “Good. I’m taking you out to celebrate. Go back to that asshole’s place, pack your things, and make sure you have something nice to wear. You’re getting the royal treatment tonight.”
The true intentions behind Ruki’s words went unsaid, but Kai knew exactly what he meant. Go home, talk things out – actually leave him. Leave the man who’d been the start of his life but was slowly beginning to end it – depart and star anew.
It was only after he left the school building and was alone again did that sinking feeling make its way back into the pit of his stomach. Walking three blocks, the world around him seemed to darken again, and it wasn’t only due to the incoming rain clouds. Something was wrong, he could sense it, so his steps became larger, his pace faster, until he broke into a sprint.
A drizzle of rain started, and by the time he was a block away from his now former home, a downpour started. The rain was falling hard and fast, oceans upon oceans falling from the sky, but that didn’t prevent Kai from seeing the luminance of red lights flickering outside the apartment complex, a gathering of people circled around the outskirts of the emergency vehicle.
That tight feeling in his stomach only worsened, mounts of hysterical heaving beginning to fall from his lips as he scanned the crowd and identified a half dressed man standing in the rain, looking lost; unknowing what to do now that inked arms weren’t guiding him through with instructions.
And that’s when Kai knew.
He pushed past the crowd, ignored the calls and demands of paramedics, and within seconds he was standing in the doorway that offered him nothing but pain. Entering, pushing off grabby hands, he went to the back bedroom, and that’s where he lie.
Body pale, needle still in arm, and eyes empty. It was the exact state Kai had found him in eight years ago, except now there was no life force. No small chest movements, no vehement cries of self-hatred. Everything was simply still. Blank.
The afterimage of death before his eyes was too much, legs shaking as he ran to the bathroom, emptying the sparse contents of his stomach into the sink. He couldn’t unforsee something so tragic.
They’d both been right all along. He did need him, and one night of negligence ended an almost decade long routine.
Body still shaking, he couldn’t move. Eyes remained staring at tile floor, strangers alike entering and exiting the bathroom, trying to speak to him but failing each and every time. When the sun disappeared and was replaced by the moon, he was finally completely alone, still unmoving.
Darkness was taking over once more, but then footsteps were heard, Ruki’s lithe figure bent down in front of him seconds later, a hand squeezing lightly his shoulder.
Finally able to look up, Kai sported the apologetic look on Ruki’s face, but more than that, that glittering glow was back.
“Let’s get you home.”
Those words, that ray of light. It was all Kai needed to finally unfreeze and start moving again.
With Ruki’s arms around the small of his back, they walked out into the night, the atmosphere suddenly lighter.
He had needed him.
He had failed him.
But now, Kai was free.
Author's Note: This is honestly the most depressing thing I've written in a while. =/ But...I think I like it.
I know I have comments and messages to get back to, and I probably will later tonight, but as of right now I'm tired and my eyes are burning. (U__U)zzZZZZ.
As usual, mistakes are probably everywhere. xD
Hope you all enjoyed~. ^__^
no subject
Date: 2014-03-11 01:02 am (UTC)Ugh i could just FEEL the darkness Kai was seeing so much. All the rain doesn't help any.
But the cold warms up when Ruki is around!
This was amazing. Sad as hell, but amazing!
<//3
no subject
Date: 2014-03-11 06:57 pm (UTC)AND THIS (I feel weird quoting smut buuut I’m going to do it anyway):
“Kai thrusts gently, knowing how much he is hurt mentally when dealt with unkindly.”
/cries and dies x 1000
That one tiny sentence just said so much – how much Kai’s been through, and how much love and respect he has for Ruki and *heart explodes*
I really like the way you’ve written the smut – had it been really explicit, the entire ‘feel’ of the fic would have been totally different, but this was subtle and yet managed to show “how desperate they are for each other even if they’ve only been separated for two days” and how much they really care for each other - and it made me SO ANGRY that Kai still hadn’t left him because dammit, now we got a glimpse of what he could have with Ruki and it was so damn beautiful. Not much smut, but an overload of feels :’D And that’s the best kind imo.
I think what I loved the most was that Ruki was kind of doing the exact same thing he was telling Kai not to do without realising it; hurting himself while trying to save someone else. I guess the redeeming factor is that Kai wasn’t intentionally or physically hurting Ruki so it was impossible to resent him for it, but it was quite paradoxical. Idk I like that :3
Tbh the ending was a relief to me – I was expecting Kai to be the one to end up dead. It was sad that he had to learn that you cannot save someone who doesn’t want to be saved this way though, since Kai obviously though it was his responsibility to keep him alive :( For a moment I thought he was going to go batshit, that it would somehow taint his and Ruki’s relationship – but then Ruki was there and his world was brighter, and suddenly character death seemed like a happy ending xD Well, it was bittersweet I guess. I like that Kai seemed sad about it, but still relieved because he had essentially just gotten his life back.
This is totally my preferred kind of angst, when the one doing the damage isn’t a main character but all the focus is placed on the ‘victim’ and there’s some hurt/comfort going on. And as always, so beautifully written. A++++++++++++++ from me xD I really, really enjoyed reading this - I hope you realise how good this is, because you should be really proud that you’re able to write something this gorgeous!!
no subject
Date: 2014-03-11 07:03 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2014-03-12 12:25 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2014-03-13 04:54 am (UTC)TEARJERKER AT ITS BEST! Sad but utterly heautiful!
Just...Ruki was Kai's comfort after living with an abusive heroin addict...wow...LOVED IT!! SPEECHLESS DAMMIT XD!
no subject
Date: 2014-03-15 05:53 pm (UTC)First of all, yaaaaah girl - I can fully understand why you would be proud of this piece. It's very emotionally charged and imo you've done a really great job utilizing several writing tools which enable the reader to empathize w/the main character and get pulled into the story.
I mean, I think the first thing is that it's actually a really relatable position to be in. No, most people won't feel tied to an addict in their lifetime...but I think a lot of us get involved in relationships where we feel like if we walk away for one second, just to get a breather, the other person will come crumbling down and it will be *our* fault...whether that person is an addict, mentally ill, physically ill, etc. I had a friend in undergrad who was *severely* depressed...and some of this hits home for me. You want desperately to be their life-line and for them to see that there is a reason to go on and to find themselves again, but sometimes it literally takes your life-force away and you you fall into the pit with them...and then you have that tough thing where you have to figure out if what you're doing is toxic to your own person/life. But I'm rambling now :P
But gah, the emotional abuse Kai suffers here is so palpable and heart-wrenching. And this is where I want to mention what a *stellar* job you did utilizing factors other than the characters themselves to add to the emotional depth of the story. I intensely appreciate when authors go the extra mile to use environmental factors either as metaphors or just a way to add to the atmosphere of a piece, bc it adds so much to the emotional pull/realism of the story. All of the description about the weather and the temp, how it affected Kai, and how it mirrored his relationships w/both the OC and Ruki...just...banner job, bb. It really adds dimension to the story and to Kai's pain.
And I also like the realism you presented in Kai and Ruki's relationship. You didn't do the thing where Kai is suddenly this totally different, bright person when he's with Ruki...you went the route that is (imo) more believable. Yes, Ruki is Kai's escape and his safe-place, but it's not like he can fully remove that toxicity from his life with just a few kisses and a bit of sex...so I appreciate that instead of presenting Kai and Ruki's intimacy as giving Kai like...this sudden 'happy high', so to speak, it just sort of makes him numb. It doesn't fix him necessarily, but it allows him to forget for a while. And that's just...very *real* to me. I'm sure that once Kai bby is with him full time he can start to heal...but w/that kind of emotional abuse, it isn't gonna happen over night.
I have got to admit...I am so, so happy Kai was set free at the end of this piece. Bb needs respite after all of that. But yeah, this was a psychologically really intriguing piece of fic, so you have ever right to feel proud :3 (ALSO, WERK THAT THESAURUS, GIRL. I'll stop mentioning it....eventually :P)
Thanks for giving us such a different and engaging piece to read, dear! <3