Last Relapse - Part I {Aoi & Kai)
Jul. 18th, 2014 04:44 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
bitetoall136Title: Last Relapse
Chapter: Part I/III
Author:![[livejournal.com profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/external/lj-userinfo.gif)
bite_to_all136
Genre: AU, Angst, Drama, Slice of Life
Overall Warnings: Infidelity, Language, Smut
Rating: NC-17 (overall)
Band(s): the GazettE
Pairings/Characters: Aoi & Kai, mentioned Ruki, Reita, Uruha
Summary: A decade old promise between friends reunites Yuu with the one person he’d been trying his hardest to forget.
Notes: A fill for the shattered dream/goal on the angst/fluff bingo cardkrasivayadusha created for me :)
Disclaimer: I do not own the characters, only the mediocre story line.
Part I
The soft stream of music echoing throughout the old school gymnasium was muffled upon a set of doors closing behind Yuu. Silence. After hours of fake smiles, of pretending to be in high spirits over meeting up with acquaintances he thought to be nothing but ghosts of his past; silence proved to be nothing but blissful. Hands shoved in the pockets of his loose black slacks, he leaned against the new barrier, throwing his head back in a sigh and allowing dusky eyes a moment of relaxation, veiling the current locker lined hallway in nothing but black shadows.
Over ten years. More than a decade. It’d been a while since he last stepped foot through these corridors. Yet the moment he’d taken his first hesitant strides into the building which had taken up the most vital years of his teenage life, his mind had flooded with memories of the good and the bad. Leaning against the rows of lockers and laughing with his friends, skipping out on class and sneaking up to the roof to grab a smoke, pulling his boyfriend into the nearest corner or bathroom, treating him to kisses and strokes that could easily get them both expelled if caught. All these recollections had come billowing forward, clouding his mind and allowing him to get through this reunion he had previously believed would be an evening of hell.
And in a way, Yuu was right. If it weren’t for the foggy state of mind the mix of memories, glasses of alcohol, and knowledge that he still had a promise to uphold had provided him, chances are he wouldn’t have made it two hours into the night before high tailing it out of there with some excuse that wouldn’t have even sounded believable to his own ears. Listening to old class mates go on and on about how accomplished they’ve become, how they were now happily married with two kids and another one of the way. All of the bragging and pitied smiles he’d received when he informed them how his life was going – it all had begun to irritate him faster than he originally perceived, and within a half an hour of the eight o’clock start time, he had found himself keeping company the table of wines and champagne, slowly nursing his own drinks and eyeing the clock in the far corner of the room, waiting for the two hands to begin inching closer to that taunting twelve.
Music interrupted his thoughtful quiet when the left half to the set of doors he was leaning against flew open. Giggling soon assaulted his ears and Yuu opened his eyes just in time to see two of his former classmates stumbling drunkenly out into the vacant hallway, their fingers interlaced as their unoccupied hands lifted to flushed faces and tried to mute giddy behavior. They could barely walk and practically fell into the lockers with each step they took, but they had not a care in the world and were simply happy to be in one another’s presence after so long.
Their behavior brought Yuu back to his prom night, a barely there smile tugging at his lips as he remembered being forcibly dragged to the clichéd dance and pouting almost all evening, only to end up having the night of his life when he found out his best friend Takanori had added to the dance’s clichéd’ tradition by spiking the punch bowl. Prom night had easily become one of Yuu’s fondest memories, able to close his eyes any time he wanted in order to relive the experience; able to hear Taka’s evil cackle as all their friends and classmates around them got completely and unknowingly blitzed; able to feel the hot breaths of his boyfriend slash prom date against his neck when he sluggishly suggested they go find somewhere to be alone; remembering how they’d barely made it through the hotel room door before they were half naked, unable to keep their hands off one another.
Prom was one of the last memorable experiences of Yuu’s high school career, and so he hung onto the memory with a vise like grip. It was one of the last nights he was together with all of his friends, all of them equally happy and making promises that he would only later come to find out would be ultimately broken.
He missed Takanori’s bitchiness and underlying mischief. Taka was the one who would constantly get into arguments with the teacher, never relenting on his side of the argument until he was finally sent to the principal’s office. He was also the one who never allowed his grudges to die down, believing he could prove his point by pulling the fire alarm on his way to the office he spent more time in than actual classes. Then there had been Kouyou and Akira. In their small group there were two sets of best friends – Yuu and Takanori being one pair, Kouyou and Akira the second. Whereas Yuu had met Taka his first year of middle school, Kouyou and Akira had known each other since primary school; their obvious close knit bond proof of that. They were always inseparable. If Yuu invited Akira over to his house for a weekend of video games, it went unsaid that Kouyou would be there right alongside with him. The soccer battling pair had developed a way to communicate almost silently, able to have a complete conversation with eyes and small gestures alone, something that worked quite well for Kouyou’s relatively quiet personality. Those silent conversations had proven to be more entertaining most times rather than none, because where Kouyou more of an introvert who kept primarily to himself, Akira was a chatter box, and typically half way through the silent conversation he’d begin to express his point verbally while Kouyou still remained hushed, the pair, as Takanori had so readily pointed out, appearing as a bickering married couple picking their way through ‘the silent treatment’.
The four of them made for quiet an interesting group, their dangerous combination of personalities allowing others to view them as socially inept when together, which they hadn’t minded at all. When they were apart, of course they had other friends they would hang out with, but once together, nobody else truly mattered.
That was at least the case until half way through their first year when the fifth addition to their little group scurried his way in, finally completing the vast arrangement of personalities and becoming the foundation that held their group together whenever trouble arose; the one person Yuu ever found himself thinking about on a daily basis…
The giddy couple that brought him back in time drug Yuu back to his current reality when the ex-classmate he recognized as Ayumi, the bright girl who sat next to him in his second year biology class, suddenly fell to her knees on the tiled flooring, her loud giggling only increasing in volume as her male counterpart dutifully attempted to help her stand. A brackish look skirted over Yuu’s features as he watched the couple exit through another set of doors, this one leading to the winding cement paths of the front of the school. They were making the best of this ten year reunion, whereas Yuu had been quietly brooding and stepping on eggshells all night, impatiently awaiting midnight to come about so he could finally get around to the fulfilling the promise which originally brought him to this celebratory function to begin with.
Pushing away from the door and standing straight, he shoved his hands even deeper into his pockets as he began to trace the path the couple before him had just cleared, easily making his way out into the summer night’s warmth.
He walked with easy steps, feeling light and free from drinking just the right amount of liquid courage. He’d come to the reunion knowing he wouldn’t be running into Takanori, but while inside he was still somehow expecting his best friend; really the only person he remained in contact with after graduation, to come bursting through the doors in some way-out there attire, just so he could saunter through the gymnasium and have everybody’s attention in the room focused solely on him. But, somehow, Takanori had been able to go against all his teachers even after graduation, indeed making something out of his life where they had said he’d fail completely. Taka hadn’t turned into a charity case like all his teachers had predicated, but instead he transformed himself into one of the most respected medical students at Tokyo University, having taken up residency under the most well-known diagnostician Japan had to offer just last week, thus being unable to find the time to take off of work to attend the reunion.
Takanori had called Yuu up just days ago, apologizing frantically that he wouldn’t be able to make it, but Yuu had simply told him to hush up, that he was proud of him and would hold up his end of the promise for him. Takanori hadn’t expressed any sign of gratitude for Yuu’s words, but even miles away, Taka was still his best friend and Yuu knew the other was holding a thankful smile on the other end of the line.
Something that had come as a surprise to Yuu was he hadn’t seen the other hopeful pair of best friends their group had to offer all night. Yes, he hadn’t talked to Kouyou and Akira since the summer of their graduation, but still…that night when they all proudly wore their caps and gowns and made ‘the promise’. It was that night their group of five snuck off from their ceremony with a small box and some personal objects in hand. It was the night they crossed the soccer field for yards and yards to come, only to end up at the far off lone sakura tree their school had to offer. It was that night he and the fifth member of their group ended up on their knees and dirtying their hands, digging a hole right under the blossoming tree as Taka bitched in the background about not digging through the mud like a caveman and Kouyou and Akira had another one of their silent-but-not-quite-silent conversations. It was that night that Yuu’s dirt coated hands crossed their groups newest addition’s own and looked up to see that dimpled smiling face, realizing the boy in front of him wasn’t just someone he could call the mediator of the group anymore. He couldn’t just called the brunette before him his prom date or even just his boyfriend anymore. Because it was right then, right at that moment, that Yuu had realized that the fifth member of their group owned every bit of him. His heart. His soul. His entire being.
Shaking his head of those misgiving thoughts, he continued along his mentally curved out path. Walking the length of the soccer field, breathing in the fresh air, able to perfectly imagine coming out to the field at night to support Kouyou and Akira in their match against a rivaling high school team; sneaking off midway through the game with his favorite brunette’s hand in his own. They’d make their way under the bleachers and, depending on the mood, kiss till they were blue in the face, grind till they both reached that land of forbidden pleasure, hug and caress and mutter how much they loved each other.
At that time, they had meant everything in the world to one another. They’d even planned a future together which involved a shared apartment and eventually a dog or three. Everything had been perfect, beyond perfect, actually, and that’s what disturbed Yuu the most all these years. He thought long and hard, but never had he been able to conjure up a reason as to why his world of completeness had come to an end. One day he had the entire world cupped perfectly in his hands, but then the next…everything was gone; completely in ruins. He found himself isolated from his friends, unsure where they’d even displaced themselves when the autumn following their last summer together came to an end. And then one day Yuu woke up and he realized everything he’d spent building the last four years of his life around was completely gone. Taka. Kouyou. Akira. They all vanished, not just physically from his life, but emotionally.
Strangely enough, Yuu had found it in himself to be able to accept their disappearance. It was hard, but over time he was been able to let go, accepting that his friends had moved on with their lives where he had instead remained stagnant after graduation. But the one person Yuu couldn’t bring himself to truly get over so he could move on with his life was the last addition to their group; the boy who was with them the shortest amount of time but was able to capture every part of his being. His mind, heart, and soul. It all belonged to the brunette who could light up the darkest corners of the world with his laughter alone. Who could simply peck Yuu on the cheek and have him grinning the rest of the day.
And in was that very brunette who now stopped Yuu in his steps, his breath getting trapped in his chest as he watched from a distance.
Just meters ahead of him stood the lone sakura tree he’d spent many lazy Monday mornings relaxing under. Pink petals covered the green grass, the brown branches almost completely naked and whisking back and forth in the light wind. Right below that tree was a familiar hunched figure, his hands and knees in the dirt as he dug almost gracefully, completely unaware of the presence behind him. Yuu was only able to see the man’s backside, but there was absolutely no denying that the person in front of him was none other than the fifth member of the group. That the man in front of him was his prom date slash boyfriend and still unbelievably the conqueror of his entire being. It was Yutaka.
His Yutaka.
He never would have thought it possible before, but over the years Yutaka had only become more breathtaking. His thin frame from back in high school had finally filled out; arms, legs, and back a like all covered in sleek muscle. Nothing was over worked, the small muscle definition barely noticeable, only noted due to the white shirt damp with sweat sticking to his body. Brunette hair that had once been choppy was now long, just brushing his shoulders in gentle waves, and it didn’t even take Yuu’s thoughts point two seconds to travel along the idea of what it would feel like to wrap his hands in that dark tress. He wanted Yutaka to turn around and suddenly notice him. He wanted to be able to scan upon those deep mocha eyes that had always stared at him with nothing but affection. Wanted to see if those soft boyish facial features had remained intact or if they’d gone through a small metamorphosis of their own, just like the rest of Yutaka’s body. After ten years, he just wanted to be able to see Yutaka fully, to hear his lively voice and see his room lightning smile.
Heart pounding in his chest like a condemned man beating on his cell door, Yuu remained frozen in his spot, merely observing every one of Yutaka’s subtle movements as he silently urged the other to turn around, to glance his way and simply recognize him. He tried to speak, try to draw attention to himself in order to grab Yutaka’s focus, but his mouth was dry and it was as if he’d become a mute. His entire body tensed, the beating of his heart against his cage loud and known. Palms sweaty as he imagined laying with his back to the blooming sakura tree, hands drifting through Yutaka’s choppy hair as the other traced patterns on his stomach. Takanori sitting at a distance with a journal pad placed upon his drawn up knees as he sketched a scene unknown to Yuu’s eyes, Kouyou and Akira kicking a soccer ball back and forth just feet away.
Yuu’s perfect world was back before his eyes. At this moment nothing could go wrong and the years he spent numbing down the pain of losing everyone important in his life was none. The epiphany he was experiencing, however, didn’t last long. He watched cautiously as Yutaka stopped his sudden movements. Watched as the brunette stilled, looking as if he were listening intently to his surroundings, his back arching subtlety as he dusted his dirt clustered hands against his faded jeans. And then quicker than Yuu could process, Yutaka was looking over his shoulder, staring right at Yuu and allowing the dark of the night to completely obliterate the reminiscing image he envisioned so vividly.
Relief practically swarmed through Yuu upon realizing that Yutaka’s boyish features had indeed remained. Big brown doe eyes, smooth tan skin, and a nose that was distinctly Yutaka. Relief was there, yet his body still remained tensed as their gazes continued to stare, Yutaka looking just as surprised as Yuu felt.
When the silence finally became too much, Yuu found himself taking a small step forward, his hands turning into quivering fists inside his pockets. That one step quickly broke the tense atmosphere when a twig snapped under his weight, head darting down to look at the ground, only to be looking back at Yutaka the next second when he heard the other mutter an almost silent noise.
Yuu may not have fully understood what Yutaka was beginning to state, but he could pull together from his flushed appearance, the teeth currently gnawing in into his bottom lip, and the hand rubbing at the back of his neck that Yutaka had made an attempt to break their lull of hush but had lost the courage to do so halfway and instead hoped that he had shut himself up in time before Yuu had realized he even made a sound. It was then Yuu knew that this round of bashful charades would go on all night if he wasn’t the one to speak up first. So fighting down the pounding in his chest and swallowing deep, he allowed his nails to dig crescent moon shapes into his palms as he looked directly at Yutaka and uttered his first words to the brunette in over ten years. “I…I thought we were all supposed to do this together?”
His words were as hushed as the gentle streams of wind currently surrounding them, each syllable feeling heavy and strenuous against his throat. He couldn’t even bring himself to look back Yutaka’s way, eyes having averted to the small pile of dirt after his uttered sentence, tongue unconsciously running along the scarred skin of his inner lip; a reminder of where his black metal hoop used to reside.
The scar, although barely noticeable to anyone but himself, always brought a refreshing calmness over Yuu. When work was getting to the best of him, when his mind started playing mental games with him and allowed him to do nothing but lay in bed and stare at empty walls for hours…all he had to do was trace the small blemish and allow burdened formations to be replaced by those of good. Sitting in the noisy chair of the tattoo and piercing parlor, attempting to act stoic and brave on the outside even though on the inside he was nothing but a fluttering mess of nerves as he watched the artist prepare the needle that appeared far more intimidating than actually was. Body acting on impulse and beginning to shake as the clamps clenched upon his bottom lip, the needle drawing closer, only to fall completely tranquil and at ease when, from the corner of his eye, he caught Yutaka offering him a smile, his boyfriend soon grabbing his hand and squeezing with reassurance.
It was a phantom comfort that not even alcohol or a one night stands could offer.
“We were,” Yutaka spoke up shyly after minutes, bringing Yuu’s attention back to him, “But I…I kind of figured nobody else was going to show.”
Even after being apart for years, Yuu was able to understand all of Yutaka’s assertions and small movements. The down casted eyes showed how unsure Yutaka was about everything. The way he subtlety shifted back and forth on his knees proved how uncomfortable he was with the entire situation, with having Yuu’s eyes back on him and devouring his every move. But most of all, his words, although vague, told Yuu more than needed to ever be said.
This promise…it had all been Yutaka’s idea. Everyone else in their group had been completely against it at first, claiming it was pointless and, quoting Taka, ‘something fucking chicks do’. Their rebellion against Yutaka’s idea to cement their friendship had only lasted days, though, seeing as Yutaka was the baby of the group and nobody could stand to see him unhappy for too long. Even though he’d been the ‘newbie’, he was also the most level headed and mature out of their vivacious group, and when he promised something, he always meant it. Even if the five of them had floundered apart over the past decade, there was never any doubt in Yuu’s mind that Yutaka wouldn’t show up tonight. Because even if the brunette had broken the sole pledge they’d made together, he knew Yutaka couldn’t break the group’s pact. Friendship meant too much to Yutaka. He holds onto promises strong and deep, Yuu apparently being the only exception to that rule. And somewhere in the back of his head, Yuu knew that the only reason he even bothered to show up tonight wasn’t because of a promise made forever ago, but instead because he knew Yutaka would be here no matter what.
Yuu’s heartbeats wouldn’t even out. They were sporadic and suffocating him almost as much as Yutaka’s light stare. He could tell Yutaka felt uneasy to be around him, but it was a completely different story for himself. How he felt right now, it was how he’d always felt around Yutaka. It was just now everything was intensified after spending ten years apart. His mind couldn’t wrap around the fact that even their lengthy separation had done nothing to numb down the intense feelings he always had for Yutaka. It was unhealthy to hang onto his teenage romance well into his adulthood, but he couldn’t help it.
He tried his best at other relationships, but in the end they always came crumbling down because he didn’t put any effort in. He knew the only person who would ever live up to his standards was Yutaka and that angered him, because there had been times over the years where he wanted nothing more than to completely forget the boy who had unintentionally destroyed his entire life, his future, by simply being there one day, only to be gone the next. The small ping of resentment Yuu had been expecting to arise upon seeing Yutaka was nowhere to be found. Instead he felt a sense of closure, of home. In his mind, he could easily pick right back up with Yutaka and press play, those years of being stuck on pause never existent…
Not wanting to scare Yutaka away with words, he took the required steps until he was standing next to the tree, able for the first time to fully see Yutaka’s face now that he stood in front of him. Yutaka on his hands and knees, covered in the dark dirt…Yuu wanted nothing more than for him to look up at him and smile, allow him to relive their graduation night. However, he had accepted long ago that he never truly acquired what he wanted, so he could do nothing but offer a sad small smile of his own as he bent down, Yutaka’s questioning eyes still on him. “I promised I would come,” he started as his hands began tearing at the hole in the ground, the one Yutaka had made barely any progress on. “When have I ever broken a promise to you?”
It took everything in Yuu to look back up, and when he did, he found just what he had expected to find; Yutaka looking at him with that sideways glance, guilt etched into every inch of his surface. And it hurt him to have to force that heavy cloud of emotions to linger over Yutaka, but it had to be done. Not only as a form of compensation for the time Yuu had spent in emotional withdrawal because of him, but because it also verified that there was a chance Yutaka still cared.
Continuing to dig, searching for the tin box that was bound to be there containing objects of memoir, a silence formed that wasn’t necessarily comfortable. Yuu would take the occasional break to casually glance at Yutaka’s expression under his lashes and there were the few times he’d catch the brunette staring his way, only for Yutaka to swiftly divert his attention back to the ground the moment he was caught. It was endearing that even now, well into adulthood, Yutaka still seemed to carry this natural shyness to him. It was one of the characteristics that had drawn Yuu in, determination having run through his veins that he would break his shell and get Yutaka to open up to him one hundred percent.
And he had.
Those days where Yutaka would walk up to him and slowly drag him away from a conversation with Takanori or Akira, direct him down the hall till they found a corner of their own, just so he could give Yuu a good morning kiss and tell him how much he loved him. How they spent weekends together lounging about the floors of each other’s rooms, talking about the next steps they wanted to take in their relationship; their goals and sometimes their extended futures. In the beginning when they were merely friends, Yutaka always shied away when it came to talking about himself, but once Yuu had broken that thin barrier, it was nearly impossible to shut the other up, their conversations sometimes lasting till two in the morning; at times even surpassing that and chatting until the sun came up and a new day began.
Distracted with the past, it was only when Yuu’s fingers grazed against something cool did he finally refocus on the here and now. He cleared his hazy mind and looked down, finding the tips of his painted fingers resting against a familiar, now rusted, square box; Yutaka’s fingers darkened with ground soil casually resting upon his own. That small touch sent Yuu’s entire mind into a whirlwind frenzy, but what nearly stopped his heart was finally taking notice of the silver band suffocating the brunette’s ring finger.
It was brash and ugly to Yuu’s set of eyes and he wanted nothing more than to reach forward and tear the piece of offending jewelry off of Yutaka, but he restrained, settling for promptly breaking their contact and nearly ripping the crusted box out of their recently dug hole. Yutaka followed his movements, removing himself from his hunched over position and dusting his hands off on his jeans for the second time that evening, Yuu able to tell that the brunette put no time into thinking before he crawled over those few centimeters and sat crisscrossed, putting himself shoulder to shoulder with Yuu.
He wanted to push Yutaka away. Wanted to put distance between them after making the recent discovery that proved he and Yutaka could never be as they once were, that the small fraction of hope he had before attending the reunion that he could maybe fix things between them was now completely destroyed. But he couldn’t do it. For so long he’s waited for this touch, and even though he knows he’ll regret it in a few hours when he departs from the school ground’s and retreats back to his small hole in the wall apartment, he can’t help but be selfish and indulge.
“Should we wait and see if Taka shows up before opening it?” Yutaka asked in that distinctively nice tone of his, reaching across and tapping the box in Yuu’s lap with the tip of his finger. Yuu wasn’t sure when his eyes had even shut, but when he opened them he found Yutaka’s doe eyes scanning him over questioningly, his focus jumping down to the ring and slight fury taking over. It took everything he had in him to not completely explode, swallowing down that fit of rage and forcing his words to come out calm.
“Taka just started up a new job last week, he’s not going to make it.” Yuu answered, his tight grip on the box increasing as Yutaka’s focus remained innocent.
Yutaka had been the one in the wrong. He’d been the one to up and leave without a word, without any attempts to make contact with Yuu throughout all these years…so why was it he was able to act as if nothing ever happened between them? Why was it he was the one who was able to move on with his life, get married, and sit here side by side with Yuu and ask questions about their old friends as if they still talked on a daily basis? And why was he only asking about Takanori? Why not the other pair of best friends? Why not… “Why only Taka? Why not Kouyou and Akira?”
Yutaka shrugged his shoulders in that barely recognizable way that he always did when uncomfortable, beginning to play with the shards of grass the ground had to offer, refusing to look Yuu’s way. “I spoke to Aki a few hours before I left. The day care he takes his kid to his closed on Saturdays and he couldn’t find anyone else to watch him. And he told me Kou couldn’t make it because he was swamped with work at the office...”
Almost more than the wedding band entrapped around his finger, Yutaka’s words stung Yuu hard and fast. ‘Aki’, ‘Kou’…Yutaka had obviously kept in contact with the pair over the years. Still referring to them with the cutesy nicknames he insisted upon in high school, knowing the current events of their lives and talking to them just mere hours ago. What made them so special? Why was it they received that attention from Yutaka that Yuu had yearned for all these years?
“Why…?”
Yuu hadn’t meant to ask the question out loud, but when he did, it came out desperate and broken, his voice straining against his emotional revelation. He placed the box down between himself and Yutaka, creating a flimsy barrier he could break in seconds, but needing it there so he could think logically without having Yutaka’s slightest touch control his overall reactions. Yutaka looked at him confused, his nose scrunching up as he readied himself to speak, but Yuu quickly interrupted, wanting answers fast. “Why did you stay in contact with them only? Why was it so easy to drop me and Taka from your life?”
Before he could even properly finish his query, that look of guilt was back across Yutaka’s features. He began fidgeting with his fingers but allowed his expression to remain stern and unmoving, his back visibly tensing at the sudden anger laced question. Yuu could tell the brunette was mulling the answer over and over again in his head, able to physically see the way he bit the inside of his cheek; something he had always done when in thought. But Yuu’s patience was wearing thin and he needed the answer right then and there. “Yutaka.” He urged the other out of his rigorous thought pattern with a stern call of his name, hand moving on its own accord and wrapping firmly around Yutaka’s wrist, stopping him from twisting grass blades and sending his body completely still. “Tell me.”
“I…I didn’t mean to…” It was such a simple answer and a part of Yuu would’ve gladly accepted such an explanation. But so long had passed, so long without any word of acknowledgement. Tonight could be the last time he ever saw Yutaka again, so he wasn’t wasting any chances. A full explanation was needed, and until Yuu got one, neither of them were moving from this very spot.
As if he was able to hear Yuu’s inner monologue, Yutaka twisted his body so he was properly facing Yuu, not even attempting to break the hold Yuu had on his wrist. “I tried to stay away…I tried to keep you all out of my life…but Aki…he’s kind of family now.” Mocha eyes flickered down to the band on his ring finger, Yuu’s heart dropped in his chest. “And you know with Aki comes Kou…they’re kind of like a packaged deal.”
Yutaka tried to break the tense atmosphere by offering up a small smile, but at the moment, nothing could cure Yuu’s stilled heart.
The brunette’s words answered so much but nothing at all. Instantly Yuu understood the situation of Yutaka’s new found brotherhood with Akira. Akira’s younger sister. Her crush on Yutaka was something she had made more than obvious in their teen years, but was something Yuu always laughed about and shrugged off, knowing Yutaka would always stay by his side. But according to that ring wrapped so snuggly around Yutaka’s finger, his predictions had been proven wrong.
What he truly couldn’t wrap his mind around was why had Yutaka tried to remove himself from his group of friends? There was obviously nothing he could do about the marriage. It was done and over with and he knew it would probably take another decade before he could fully accept that he’d lost Yutaka in the romantic sense for the rest of forever. Friendship though…there was still a chance he could save what was left of their crumbling relationship, even if it meant him suffering whilst watching Yutaka happy with someone else.
Removing his grip from around the brunette’s wrist, Yuu gently interlaced their fingers, placing his opposing hand on Yutaka’s thigh and watching with a great delight as the other flinched unknowingly under the bold touch. “But why did you disappear, Yutaka? We had so much going for us…” he paused to lean in, watching as the rise and fall of Yutaka’s chest visibly increased. His cheek skirted against the brunette’s as he closed those few centimeters between them, and it was only when he was able to feel the warmth radiating off of Yutaka’s skin did he whisper his next words. “I loved you more than anything…”
Yutaka’s body shuddered, the deep breath he inhaled as his forehead fell against Yuu’s shoulder echoing into the dark of the night. He could feel Yutaka’s hands grip onto his light t-shirt, nails practically claws as he held on for dear life, body trembling against him. His back shook and Yuu unconsciously lifted the hand on Yutaka’s thigh, beginning to rub circles on the brunette’s back, worried but pleased with how his words had affected him. He could feel Yutaka’s heavy breathing against his skin, could smell the combination of his spicy body wash mixed with a thin layer of sweat as he buried his face in the crook of his neck. And when Yutaka’s arms finally wrapped around him in that assuring way that hadn’t changed since high school, Yuu found himself gasping, especially when Yutaka lifted his mouth and pressed his lips directly against his ear, muttering something that was so laden with remorse, so broken and meaningful, that Yuu found his entire world of rage crumbling right before his very eyes.
“I’m so sorry.”
Yutaka’s breaths were harsh, yet Yuu could still feel the hefty weight disentangle itself from those fear stricken words, Yutaka apparently having held them in for years. The raw quality added so much, verified Yutaka’s words as nothing but the truth, and Yuu’s body began humming with a lifelike quality he hadn’t felt since his teen years.
He was so beyond content at that moment, felt as if he could reach out and touch the stars. He came tonight wanting to demand answers, needing to know exactly what went down that decade ago that made it so easy for Yutaka to completely evict himself from his life. But as his hands laced around his trembling back, as he felt streams of moisture slowly begin to teem down his neck as Yutaka continued to bury his face into his warm skin, hiding what he was feeling from the rest of the world by using Yuu as a protection from his own vulnerability, Yuu knew that for now, that whispered sentence was more than enough for him.
“You’re crying,” he observed, allowing his eyes to close peacefully as everything Yutaka took over each and every sense, his hands still moving in circles on the brunette’s back.
Yutaka had always been strong. His ability to create a mask against pesky emotions having far surpassed Yuu’s own. The only time Yuu had ever seen him shed a single tear was their senior year when the combined stress from juggling advanced classes, family, and a social life finally came crashing down on him, tears streaking down his cheeks before he could even fully register what was going on. But even then, those tears had been unintentional, having been quickly cleared once Yuu had offered to give him a massage; a massage that had resulted in his lips wrapped around Yutaka, bringing him to a land of bliss where stress was nonexistent.
“I’m not.” Yutaka replied back quickly, his shuddering coming to a sudden halt.
Yuu was able to easily feel the tension growing in the brunette’s back as he forced himself to stop with the tears. Stubborn. As easy going and carefree as Yutaka had always been, his stubbornness always proved to be his characteristic downfall which Yuu found himself unable to get enough of. Fights that lasted for eons would erupt because Yutaka was too stubborn to admit that he needed time, help, or even space. But following those fights came the part of making up, something Yuu always thoroughly enjoyed. Whether it be in the form of buying Yutaka something he’d been desiring for a long while or even heady gratification through raunchy make up sex; their makeup sessions were always so tender and emotionally thought provoking, Yuu loving Yutaka even more with each apology.
“Ok, you’re not.” He actually found himself smiling, hands cupping the back of Yutaka’s head and stroking through brunette that was still just as soft as ever. Yutaka’s face was still bright and warm against his neck and for the first time since they’d been separated, Yuu actually felt at peace.
Yutaka’s arms around his waist. His arms around Yutaka. Everything was perfect, just as it should be. But then Yuu remembered all that had gone wrong, could feel that ridged ring dig into his back as Yutaka clasped tightly to the shirt in a hold that was relentless.
That was all it took.
Suddenly, Yutaka’s apology was meaningless. There was no kissing and making up this time. Yutaka was married; married to Akira’s little sister. He had a life Yuu could no longer be a part of and the realization allowed his earlier anger to begin rebuilding. Yutaka was the one he would always love, but that didn’t mean he could necessarily forgive him for all the pain he’s caused.
“Yutaka…do you love her?”
The question was out before he could even stop it. At this point, he was already in last place, so any hesitance from earlier completely washed away. He could walk away from this with Yutaka either all dimples and smiles or tears and words of anger. Either way, it just didn’t matter anymore. He was going to get answers to every damn question he had whether it killed him or not.
Yutaka’s light breaths came to a stop, the grip on Yuu’s shirt tightening. Unburying himself from the little cocoon he made in Yuu’s neck, his face beyond red, eyes slightly swollen. But no longer was there a trace of tears available.
Doe eyes looked at Yuu pleadingly, silently begging him not to force him to answer the question, but Yuu had to know and was done skirting around. Finally, after a long moment of silence, Yutaka flicked his tongue across his lips, moistening his dry tiers and uttering his carefully placed together words. “I…I appreciate her.”
Yuu hated himself for the rollercoaster of emotions he was feeling right now, but Yutaka’s answer automatically filled him with a dim sense of hope that he just got finished telling himself was no longer possible. Grabbing Yutaka’s hand, unfolding them from around his waist so he could lace their fingers together, grasping tightly in anticipation. “But do you love her?”
Something dark and heavy shone in Yutaka’s eyes, the secret the brunette was keeping to himself attempting to breach the surface. They refused to look away from one another, and when that sheepish smile of Yutaka’s stretched across his thin lips, Yuu knew. He knew that all those years he spent suffering…he hadn’t been suffering alone.
Yutaka didn’t bother with a proper answer. Instead his smile only deepened and he pulled away from Yuu. Reaching to his left he pulled the little tin box into his lap. “I think it’s time we went through this.” That smile refused to leave, having transformed from sheepish to roguish in such a short amount of time. And somehow, Yuu understood. This box…it wasn’t just a promise made between five friends over a decade ago. Yutaka hadn’t come up with the promise so they could all meet up later down the road and laugh at how stupid they’d been in their younger years.
Everything this little tin contained, it was a reflection.
Everyone in their group of five had locked away a little piece of themselves they never wished to forget. A piece of themselves that no matter how much life threw at them and changed their forms, they could come back and remember. It was something they never wanted to give up on, always wanted to keep a part of their life, and when Yuu remembered just what it was he shoved into that tiny box on the evening of their graduation night that decade ago, he couldn’t help but mimic Yutaka’s smile.
next part
Chapter: Part I/III
Author:
bite_to_all136Genre: AU, Angst, Drama, Slice of Life
Overall Warnings: Infidelity, Language, Smut
Rating: NC-17 (overall)
Band(s): the GazettE
Pairings/Characters: Aoi & Kai, mentioned Ruki, Reita, Uruha
Summary: A decade old promise between friends reunites Yuu with the one person he’d been trying his hardest to forget.
Notes: A fill for the shattered dream/goal on the angst/fluff bingo card
krasivayadusha created for me :)Disclaimer: I do not own the characters, only the mediocre story line.
The soft stream of music echoing throughout the old school gymnasium was muffled upon a set of doors closing behind Yuu. Silence. After hours of fake smiles, of pretending to be in high spirits over meeting up with acquaintances he thought to be nothing but ghosts of his past; silence proved to be nothing but blissful. Hands shoved in the pockets of his loose black slacks, he leaned against the new barrier, throwing his head back in a sigh and allowing dusky eyes a moment of relaxation, veiling the current locker lined hallway in nothing but black shadows.
Over ten years. More than a decade. It’d been a while since he last stepped foot through these corridors. Yet the moment he’d taken his first hesitant strides into the building which had taken up the most vital years of his teenage life, his mind had flooded with memories of the good and the bad. Leaning against the rows of lockers and laughing with his friends, skipping out on class and sneaking up to the roof to grab a smoke, pulling his boyfriend into the nearest corner or bathroom, treating him to kisses and strokes that could easily get them both expelled if caught. All these recollections had come billowing forward, clouding his mind and allowing him to get through this reunion he had previously believed would be an evening of hell.
And in a way, Yuu was right. If it weren’t for the foggy state of mind the mix of memories, glasses of alcohol, and knowledge that he still had a promise to uphold had provided him, chances are he wouldn’t have made it two hours into the night before high tailing it out of there with some excuse that wouldn’t have even sounded believable to his own ears. Listening to old class mates go on and on about how accomplished they’ve become, how they were now happily married with two kids and another one of the way. All of the bragging and pitied smiles he’d received when he informed them how his life was going – it all had begun to irritate him faster than he originally perceived, and within a half an hour of the eight o’clock start time, he had found himself keeping company the table of wines and champagne, slowly nursing his own drinks and eyeing the clock in the far corner of the room, waiting for the two hands to begin inching closer to that taunting twelve.
Music interrupted his thoughtful quiet when the left half to the set of doors he was leaning against flew open. Giggling soon assaulted his ears and Yuu opened his eyes just in time to see two of his former classmates stumbling drunkenly out into the vacant hallway, their fingers interlaced as their unoccupied hands lifted to flushed faces and tried to mute giddy behavior. They could barely walk and practically fell into the lockers with each step they took, but they had not a care in the world and were simply happy to be in one another’s presence after so long.
Their behavior brought Yuu back to his prom night, a barely there smile tugging at his lips as he remembered being forcibly dragged to the clichéd dance and pouting almost all evening, only to end up having the night of his life when he found out his best friend Takanori had added to the dance’s clichéd’ tradition by spiking the punch bowl. Prom night had easily become one of Yuu’s fondest memories, able to close his eyes any time he wanted in order to relive the experience; able to hear Taka’s evil cackle as all their friends and classmates around them got completely and unknowingly blitzed; able to feel the hot breaths of his boyfriend slash prom date against his neck when he sluggishly suggested they go find somewhere to be alone; remembering how they’d barely made it through the hotel room door before they were half naked, unable to keep their hands off one another.
Prom was one of the last memorable experiences of Yuu’s high school career, and so he hung onto the memory with a vise like grip. It was one of the last nights he was together with all of his friends, all of them equally happy and making promises that he would only later come to find out would be ultimately broken.
He missed Takanori’s bitchiness and underlying mischief. Taka was the one who would constantly get into arguments with the teacher, never relenting on his side of the argument until he was finally sent to the principal’s office. He was also the one who never allowed his grudges to die down, believing he could prove his point by pulling the fire alarm on his way to the office he spent more time in than actual classes. Then there had been Kouyou and Akira. In their small group there were two sets of best friends – Yuu and Takanori being one pair, Kouyou and Akira the second. Whereas Yuu had met Taka his first year of middle school, Kouyou and Akira had known each other since primary school; their obvious close knit bond proof of that. They were always inseparable. If Yuu invited Akira over to his house for a weekend of video games, it went unsaid that Kouyou would be there right alongside with him. The soccer battling pair had developed a way to communicate almost silently, able to have a complete conversation with eyes and small gestures alone, something that worked quite well for Kouyou’s relatively quiet personality. Those silent conversations had proven to be more entertaining most times rather than none, because where Kouyou more of an introvert who kept primarily to himself, Akira was a chatter box, and typically half way through the silent conversation he’d begin to express his point verbally while Kouyou still remained hushed, the pair, as Takanori had so readily pointed out, appearing as a bickering married couple picking their way through ‘the silent treatment’.
The four of them made for quiet an interesting group, their dangerous combination of personalities allowing others to view them as socially inept when together, which they hadn’t minded at all. When they were apart, of course they had other friends they would hang out with, but once together, nobody else truly mattered.
That was at least the case until half way through their first year when the fifth addition to their little group scurried his way in, finally completing the vast arrangement of personalities and becoming the foundation that held their group together whenever trouble arose; the one person Yuu ever found himself thinking about on a daily basis…
The giddy couple that brought him back in time drug Yuu back to his current reality when the ex-classmate he recognized as Ayumi, the bright girl who sat next to him in his second year biology class, suddenly fell to her knees on the tiled flooring, her loud giggling only increasing in volume as her male counterpart dutifully attempted to help her stand. A brackish look skirted over Yuu’s features as he watched the couple exit through another set of doors, this one leading to the winding cement paths of the front of the school. They were making the best of this ten year reunion, whereas Yuu had been quietly brooding and stepping on eggshells all night, impatiently awaiting midnight to come about so he could finally get around to the fulfilling the promise which originally brought him to this celebratory function to begin with.
Pushing away from the door and standing straight, he shoved his hands even deeper into his pockets as he began to trace the path the couple before him had just cleared, easily making his way out into the summer night’s warmth.
He walked with easy steps, feeling light and free from drinking just the right amount of liquid courage. He’d come to the reunion knowing he wouldn’t be running into Takanori, but while inside he was still somehow expecting his best friend; really the only person he remained in contact with after graduation, to come bursting through the doors in some way-out there attire, just so he could saunter through the gymnasium and have everybody’s attention in the room focused solely on him. But, somehow, Takanori had been able to go against all his teachers even after graduation, indeed making something out of his life where they had said he’d fail completely. Taka hadn’t turned into a charity case like all his teachers had predicated, but instead he transformed himself into one of the most respected medical students at Tokyo University, having taken up residency under the most well-known diagnostician Japan had to offer just last week, thus being unable to find the time to take off of work to attend the reunion.
Takanori had called Yuu up just days ago, apologizing frantically that he wouldn’t be able to make it, but Yuu had simply told him to hush up, that he was proud of him and would hold up his end of the promise for him. Takanori hadn’t expressed any sign of gratitude for Yuu’s words, but even miles away, Taka was still his best friend and Yuu knew the other was holding a thankful smile on the other end of the line.
Something that had come as a surprise to Yuu was he hadn’t seen the other hopeful pair of best friends their group had to offer all night. Yes, he hadn’t talked to Kouyou and Akira since the summer of their graduation, but still…that night when they all proudly wore their caps and gowns and made ‘the promise’. It was that night their group of five snuck off from their ceremony with a small box and some personal objects in hand. It was the night they crossed the soccer field for yards and yards to come, only to end up at the far off lone sakura tree their school had to offer. It was that night he and the fifth member of their group ended up on their knees and dirtying their hands, digging a hole right under the blossoming tree as Taka bitched in the background about not digging through the mud like a caveman and Kouyou and Akira had another one of their silent-but-not-quite-silent conversations. It was that night that Yuu’s dirt coated hands crossed their groups newest addition’s own and looked up to see that dimpled smiling face, realizing the boy in front of him wasn’t just someone he could call the mediator of the group anymore. He couldn’t just called the brunette before him his prom date or even just his boyfriend anymore. Because it was right then, right at that moment, that Yuu had realized that the fifth member of their group owned every bit of him. His heart. His soul. His entire being.
Shaking his head of those misgiving thoughts, he continued along his mentally curved out path. Walking the length of the soccer field, breathing in the fresh air, able to perfectly imagine coming out to the field at night to support Kouyou and Akira in their match against a rivaling high school team; sneaking off midway through the game with his favorite brunette’s hand in his own. They’d make their way under the bleachers and, depending on the mood, kiss till they were blue in the face, grind till they both reached that land of forbidden pleasure, hug and caress and mutter how much they loved each other.
At that time, they had meant everything in the world to one another. They’d even planned a future together which involved a shared apartment and eventually a dog or three. Everything had been perfect, beyond perfect, actually, and that’s what disturbed Yuu the most all these years. He thought long and hard, but never had he been able to conjure up a reason as to why his world of completeness had come to an end. One day he had the entire world cupped perfectly in his hands, but then the next…everything was gone; completely in ruins. He found himself isolated from his friends, unsure where they’d even displaced themselves when the autumn following their last summer together came to an end. And then one day Yuu woke up and he realized everything he’d spent building the last four years of his life around was completely gone. Taka. Kouyou. Akira. They all vanished, not just physically from his life, but emotionally.
Strangely enough, Yuu had found it in himself to be able to accept their disappearance. It was hard, but over time he was been able to let go, accepting that his friends had moved on with their lives where he had instead remained stagnant after graduation. But the one person Yuu couldn’t bring himself to truly get over so he could move on with his life was the last addition to their group; the boy who was with them the shortest amount of time but was able to capture every part of his being. His mind, heart, and soul. It all belonged to the brunette who could light up the darkest corners of the world with his laughter alone. Who could simply peck Yuu on the cheek and have him grinning the rest of the day.
And in was that very brunette who now stopped Yuu in his steps, his breath getting trapped in his chest as he watched from a distance.
Just meters ahead of him stood the lone sakura tree he’d spent many lazy Monday mornings relaxing under. Pink petals covered the green grass, the brown branches almost completely naked and whisking back and forth in the light wind. Right below that tree was a familiar hunched figure, his hands and knees in the dirt as he dug almost gracefully, completely unaware of the presence behind him. Yuu was only able to see the man’s backside, but there was absolutely no denying that the person in front of him was none other than the fifth member of the group. That the man in front of him was his prom date slash boyfriend and still unbelievably the conqueror of his entire being. It was Yutaka.
His Yutaka.
He never would have thought it possible before, but over the years Yutaka had only become more breathtaking. His thin frame from back in high school had finally filled out; arms, legs, and back a like all covered in sleek muscle. Nothing was over worked, the small muscle definition barely noticeable, only noted due to the white shirt damp with sweat sticking to his body. Brunette hair that had once been choppy was now long, just brushing his shoulders in gentle waves, and it didn’t even take Yuu’s thoughts point two seconds to travel along the idea of what it would feel like to wrap his hands in that dark tress. He wanted Yutaka to turn around and suddenly notice him. He wanted to be able to scan upon those deep mocha eyes that had always stared at him with nothing but affection. Wanted to see if those soft boyish facial features had remained intact or if they’d gone through a small metamorphosis of their own, just like the rest of Yutaka’s body. After ten years, he just wanted to be able to see Yutaka fully, to hear his lively voice and see his room lightning smile.
Heart pounding in his chest like a condemned man beating on his cell door, Yuu remained frozen in his spot, merely observing every one of Yutaka’s subtle movements as he silently urged the other to turn around, to glance his way and simply recognize him. He tried to speak, try to draw attention to himself in order to grab Yutaka’s focus, but his mouth was dry and it was as if he’d become a mute. His entire body tensed, the beating of his heart against his cage loud and known. Palms sweaty as he imagined laying with his back to the blooming sakura tree, hands drifting through Yutaka’s choppy hair as the other traced patterns on his stomach. Takanori sitting at a distance with a journal pad placed upon his drawn up knees as he sketched a scene unknown to Yuu’s eyes, Kouyou and Akira kicking a soccer ball back and forth just feet away.
Yuu’s perfect world was back before his eyes. At this moment nothing could go wrong and the years he spent numbing down the pain of losing everyone important in his life was none. The epiphany he was experiencing, however, didn’t last long. He watched cautiously as Yutaka stopped his sudden movements. Watched as the brunette stilled, looking as if he were listening intently to his surroundings, his back arching subtlety as he dusted his dirt clustered hands against his faded jeans. And then quicker than Yuu could process, Yutaka was looking over his shoulder, staring right at Yuu and allowing the dark of the night to completely obliterate the reminiscing image he envisioned so vividly.
Relief practically swarmed through Yuu upon realizing that Yutaka’s boyish features had indeed remained. Big brown doe eyes, smooth tan skin, and a nose that was distinctly Yutaka. Relief was there, yet his body still remained tensed as their gazes continued to stare, Yutaka looking just as surprised as Yuu felt.
When the silence finally became too much, Yuu found himself taking a small step forward, his hands turning into quivering fists inside his pockets. That one step quickly broke the tense atmosphere when a twig snapped under his weight, head darting down to look at the ground, only to be looking back at Yutaka the next second when he heard the other mutter an almost silent noise.
Yuu may not have fully understood what Yutaka was beginning to state, but he could pull together from his flushed appearance, the teeth currently gnawing in into his bottom lip, and the hand rubbing at the back of his neck that Yutaka had made an attempt to break their lull of hush but had lost the courage to do so halfway and instead hoped that he had shut himself up in time before Yuu had realized he even made a sound. It was then Yuu knew that this round of bashful charades would go on all night if he wasn’t the one to speak up first. So fighting down the pounding in his chest and swallowing deep, he allowed his nails to dig crescent moon shapes into his palms as he looked directly at Yutaka and uttered his first words to the brunette in over ten years. “I…I thought we were all supposed to do this together?”
His words were as hushed as the gentle streams of wind currently surrounding them, each syllable feeling heavy and strenuous against his throat. He couldn’t even bring himself to look back Yutaka’s way, eyes having averted to the small pile of dirt after his uttered sentence, tongue unconsciously running along the scarred skin of his inner lip; a reminder of where his black metal hoop used to reside.
The scar, although barely noticeable to anyone but himself, always brought a refreshing calmness over Yuu. When work was getting to the best of him, when his mind started playing mental games with him and allowed him to do nothing but lay in bed and stare at empty walls for hours…all he had to do was trace the small blemish and allow burdened formations to be replaced by those of good. Sitting in the noisy chair of the tattoo and piercing parlor, attempting to act stoic and brave on the outside even though on the inside he was nothing but a fluttering mess of nerves as he watched the artist prepare the needle that appeared far more intimidating than actually was. Body acting on impulse and beginning to shake as the clamps clenched upon his bottom lip, the needle drawing closer, only to fall completely tranquil and at ease when, from the corner of his eye, he caught Yutaka offering him a smile, his boyfriend soon grabbing his hand and squeezing with reassurance.
It was a phantom comfort that not even alcohol or a one night stands could offer.
“We were,” Yutaka spoke up shyly after minutes, bringing Yuu’s attention back to him, “But I…I kind of figured nobody else was going to show.”
Even after being apart for years, Yuu was able to understand all of Yutaka’s assertions and small movements. The down casted eyes showed how unsure Yutaka was about everything. The way he subtlety shifted back and forth on his knees proved how uncomfortable he was with the entire situation, with having Yuu’s eyes back on him and devouring his every move. But most of all, his words, although vague, told Yuu more than needed to ever be said.
This promise…it had all been Yutaka’s idea. Everyone else in their group had been completely against it at first, claiming it was pointless and, quoting Taka, ‘something fucking chicks do’. Their rebellion against Yutaka’s idea to cement their friendship had only lasted days, though, seeing as Yutaka was the baby of the group and nobody could stand to see him unhappy for too long. Even though he’d been the ‘newbie’, he was also the most level headed and mature out of their vivacious group, and when he promised something, he always meant it. Even if the five of them had floundered apart over the past decade, there was never any doubt in Yuu’s mind that Yutaka wouldn’t show up tonight. Because even if the brunette had broken the sole pledge they’d made together, he knew Yutaka couldn’t break the group’s pact. Friendship meant too much to Yutaka. He holds onto promises strong and deep, Yuu apparently being the only exception to that rule. And somewhere in the back of his head, Yuu knew that the only reason he even bothered to show up tonight wasn’t because of a promise made forever ago, but instead because he knew Yutaka would be here no matter what.
Yuu’s heartbeats wouldn’t even out. They were sporadic and suffocating him almost as much as Yutaka’s light stare. He could tell Yutaka felt uneasy to be around him, but it was a completely different story for himself. How he felt right now, it was how he’d always felt around Yutaka. It was just now everything was intensified after spending ten years apart. His mind couldn’t wrap around the fact that even their lengthy separation had done nothing to numb down the intense feelings he always had for Yutaka. It was unhealthy to hang onto his teenage romance well into his adulthood, but he couldn’t help it.
He tried his best at other relationships, but in the end they always came crumbling down because he didn’t put any effort in. He knew the only person who would ever live up to his standards was Yutaka and that angered him, because there had been times over the years where he wanted nothing more than to completely forget the boy who had unintentionally destroyed his entire life, his future, by simply being there one day, only to be gone the next. The small ping of resentment Yuu had been expecting to arise upon seeing Yutaka was nowhere to be found. Instead he felt a sense of closure, of home. In his mind, he could easily pick right back up with Yutaka and press play, those years of being stuck on pause never existent…
Not wanting to scare Yutaka away with words, he took the required steps until he was standing next to the tree, able for the first time to fully see Yutaka’s face now that he stood in front of him. Yutaka on his hands and knees, covered in the dark dirt…Yuu wanted nothing more than for him to look up at him and smile, allow him to relive their graduation night. However, he had accepted long ago that he never truly acquired what he wanted, so he could do nothing but offer a sad small smile of his own as he bent down, Yutaka’s questioning eyes still on him. “I promised I would come,” he started as his hands began tearing at the hole in the ground, the one Yutaka had made barely any progress on. “When have I ever broken a promise to you?”
It took everything in Yuu to look back up, and when he did, he found just what he had expected to find; Yutaka looking at him with that sideways glance, guilt etched into every inch of his surface. And it hurt him to have to force that heavy cloud of emotions to linger over Yutaka, but it had to be done. Not only as a form of compensation for the time Yuu had spent in emotional withdrawal because of him, but because it also verified that there was a chance Yutaka still cared.
Continuing to dig, searching for the tin box that was bound to be there containing objects of memoir, a silence formed that wasn’t necessarily comfortable. Yuu would take the occasional break to casually glance at Yutaka’s expression under his lashes and there were the few times he’d catch the brunette staring his way, only for Yutaka to swiftly divert his attention back to the ground the moment he was caught. It was endearing that even now, well into adulthood, Yutaka still seemed to carry this natural shyness to him. It was one of the characteristics that had drawn Yuu in, determination having run through his veins that he would break his shell and get Yutaka to open up to him one hundred percent.
And he had.
Those days where Yutaka would walk up to him and slowly drag him away from a conversation with Takanori or Akira, direct him down the hall till they found a corner of their own, just so he could give Yuu a good morning kiss and tell him how much he loved him. How they spent weekends together lounging about the floors of each other’s rooms, talking about the next steps they wanted to take in their relationship; their goals and sometimes their extended futures. In the beginning when they were merely friends, Yutaka always shied away when it came to talking about himself, but once Yuu had broken that thin barrier, it was nearly impossible to shut the other up, their conversations sometimes lasting till two in the morning; at times even surpassing that and chatting until the sun came up and a new day began.
Distracted with the past, it was only when Yuu’s fingers grazed against something cool did he finally refocus on the here and now. He cleared his hazy mind and looked down, finding the tips of his painted fingers resting against a familiar, now rusted, square box; Yutaka’s fingers darkened with ground soil casually resting upon his own. That small touch sent Yuu’s entire mind into a whirlwind frenzy, but what nearly stopped his heart was finally taking notice of the silver band suffocating the brunette’s ring finger.
It was brash and ugly to Yuu’s set of eyes and he wanted nothing more than to reach forward and tear the piece of offending jewelry off of Yutaka, but he restrained, settling for promptly breaking their contact and nearly ripping the crusted box out of their recently dug hole. Yutaka followed his movements, removing himself from his hunched over position and dusting his hands off on his jeans for the second time that evening, Yuu able to tell that the brunette put no time into thinking before he crawled over those few centimeters and sat crisscrossed, putting himself shoulder to shoulder with Yuu.
He wanted to push Yutaka away. Wanted to put distance between them after making the recent discovery that proved he and Yutaka could never be as they once were, that the small fraction of hope he had before attending the reunion that he could maybe fix things between them was now completely destroyed. But he couldn’t do it. For so long he’s waited for this touch, and even though he knows he’ll regret it in a few hours when he departs from the school ground’s and retreats back to his small hole in the wall apartment, he can’t help but be selfish and indulge.
“Should we wait and see if Taka shows up before opening it?” Yutaka asked in that distinctively nice tone of his, reaching across and tapping the box in Yuu’s lap with the tip of his finger. Yuu wasn’t sure when his eyes had even shut, but when he opened them he found Yutaka’s doe eyes scanning him over questioningly, his focus jumping down to the ring and slight fury taking over. It took everything he had in him to not completely explode, swallowing down that fit of rage and forcing his words to come out calm.
“Taka just started up a new job last week, he’s not going to make it.” Yuu answered, his tight grip on the box increasing as Yutaka’s focus remained innocent.
Yutaka had been the one in the wrong. He’d been the one to up and leave without a word, without any attempts to make contact with Yuu throughout all these years…so why was it he was able to act as if nothing ever happened between them? Why was it he was the one who was able to move on with his life, get married, and sit here side by side with Yuu and ask questions about their old friends as if they still talked on a daily basis? And why was he only asking about Takanori? Why not the other pair of best friends? Why not… “Why only Taka? Why not Kouyou and Akira?”
Yutaka shrugged his shoulders in that barely recognizable way that he always did when uncomfortable, beginning to play with the shards of grass the ground had to offer, refusing to look Yuu’s way. “I spoke to Aki a few hours before I left. The day care he takes his kid to his closed on Saturdays and he couldn’t find anyone else to watch him. And he told me Kou couldn’t make it because he was swamped with work at the office...”
Almost more than the wedding band entrapped around his finger, Yutaka’s words stung Yuu hard and fast. ‘Aki’, ‘Kou’…Yutaka had obviously kept in contact with the pair over the years. Still referring to them with the cutesy nicknames he insisted upon in high school, knowing the current events of their lives and talking to them just mere hours ago. What made them so special? Why was it they received that attention from Yutaka that Yuu had yearned for all these years?
“Why…?”
Yuu hadn’t meant to ask the question out loud, but when he did, it came out desperate and broken, his voice straining against his emotional revelation. He placed the box down between himself and Yutaka, creating a flimsy barrier he could break in seconds, but needing it there so he could think logically without having Yutaka’s slightest touch control his overall reactions. Yutaka looked at him confused, his nose scrunching up as he readied himself to speak, but Yuu quickly interrupted, wanting answers fast. “Why did you stay in contact with them only? Why was it so easy to drop me and Taka from your life?”
Before he could even properly finish his query, that look of guilt was back across Yutaka’s features. He began fidgeting with his fingers but allowed his expression to remain stern and unmoving, his back visibly tensing at the sudden anger laced question. Yuu could tell the brunette was mulling the answer over and over again in his head, able to physically see the way he bit the inside of his cheek; something he had always done when in thought. But Yuu’s patience was wearing thin and he needed the answer right then and there. “Yutaka.” He urged the other out of his rigorous thought pattern with a stern call of his name, hand moving on its own accord and wrapping firmly around Yutaka’s wrist, stopping him from twisting grass blades and sending his body completely still. “Tell me.”
“I…I didn’t mean to…” It was such a simple answer and a part of Yuu would’ve gladly accepted such an explanation. But so long had passed, so long without any word of acknowledgement. Tonight could be the last time he ever saw Yutaka again, so he wasn’t wasting any chances. A full explanation was needed, and until Yuu got one, neither of them were moving from this very spot.
As if he was able to hear Yuu’s inner monologue, Yutaka twisted his body so he was properly facing Yuu, not even attempting to break the hold Yuu had on his wrist. “I tried to stay away…I tried to keep you all out of my life…but Aki…he’s kind of family now.” Mocha eyes flickered down to the band on his ring finger, Yuu’s heart dropped in his chest. “And you know with Aki comes Kou…they’re kind of like a packaged deal.”
Yutaka tried to break the tense atmosphere by offering up a small smile, but at the moment, nothing could cure Yuu’s stilled heart.
The brunette’s words answered so much but nothing at all. Instantly Yuu understood the situation of Yutaka’s new found brotherhood with Akira. Akira’s younger sister. Her crush on Yutaka was something she had made more than obvious in their teen years, but was something Yuu always laughed about and shrugged off, knowing Yutaka would always stay by his side. But according to that ring wrapped so snuggly around Yutaka’s finger, his predictions had been proven wrong.
What he truly couldn’t wrap his mind around was why had Yutaka tried to remove himself from his group of friends? There was obviously nothing he could do about the marriage. It was done and over with and he knew it would probably take another decade before he could fully accept that he’d lost Yutaka in the romantic sense for the rest of forever. Friendship though…there was still a chance he could save what was left of their crumbling relationship, even if it meant him suffering whilst watching Yutaka happy with someone else.
Removing his grip from around the brunette’s wrist, Yuu gently interlaced their fingers, placing his opposing hand on Yutaka’s thigh and watching with a great delight as the other flinched unknowingly under the bold touch. “But why did you disappear, Yutaka? We had so much going for us…” he paused to lean in, watching as the rise and fall of Yutaka’s chest visibly increased. His cheek skirted against the brunette’s as he closed those few centimeters between them, and it was only when he was able to feel the warmth radiating off of Yutaka’s skin did he whisper his next words. “I loved you more than anything…”
Yutaka’s body shuddered, the deep breath he inhaled as his forehead fell against Yuu’s shoulder echoing into the dark of the night. He could feel Yutaka’s hands grip onto his light t-shirt, nails practically claws as he held on for dear life, body trembling against him. His back shook and Yuu unconsciously lifted the hand on Yutaka’s thigh, beginning to rub circles on the brunette’s back, worried but pleased with how his words had affected him. He could feel Yutaka’s heavy breathing against his skin, could smell the combination of his spicy body wash mixed with a thin layer of sweat as he buried his face in the crook of his neck. And when Yutaka’s arms finally wrapped around him in that assuring way that hadn’t changed since high school, Yuu found himself gasping, especially when Yutaka lifted his mouth and pressed his lips directly against his ear, muttering something that was so laden with remorse, so broken and meaningful, that Yuu found his entire world of rage crumbling right before his very eyes.
“I’m so sorry.”
Yutaka’s breaths were harsh, yet Yuu could still feel the hefty weight disentangle itself from those fear stricken words, Yutaka apparently having held them in for years. The raw quality added so much, verified Yutaka’s words as nothing but the truth, and Yuu’s body began humming with a lifelike quality he hadn’t felt since his teen years.
He was so beyond content at that moment, felt as if he could reach out and touch the stars. He came tonight wanting to demand answers, needing to know exactly what went down that decade ago that made it so easy for Yutaka to completely evict himself from his life. But as his hands laced around his trembling back, as he felt streams of moisture slowly begin to teem down his neck as Yutaka continued to bury his face into his warm skin, hiding what he was feeling from the rest of the world by using Yuu as a protection from his own vulnerability, Yuu knew that for now, that whispered sentence was more than enough for him.
“You’re crying,” he observed, allowing his eyes to close peacefully as everything Yutaka took over each and every sense, his hands still moving in circles on the brunette’s back.
Yutaka had always been strong. His ability to create a mask against pesky emotions having far surpassed Yuu’s own. The only time Yuu had ever seen him shed a single tear was their senior year when the combined stress from juggling advanced classes, family, and a social life finally came crashing down on him, tears streaking down his cheeks before he could even fully register what was going on. But even then, those tears had been unintentional, having been quickly cleared once Yuu had offered to give him a massage; a massage that had resulted in his lips wrapped around Yutaka, bringing him to a land of bliss where stress was nonexistent.
“I’m not.” Yutaka replied back quickly, his shuddering coming to a sudden halt.
Yuu was able to easily feel the tension growing in the brunette’s back as he forced himself to stop with the tears. Stubborn. As easy going and carefree as Yutaka had always been, his stubbornness always proved to be his characteristic downfall which Yuu found himself unable to get enough of. Fights that lasted for eons would erupt because Yutaka was too stubborn to admit that he needed time, help, or even space. But following those fights came the part of making up, something Yuu always thoroughly enjoyed. Whether it be in the form of buying Yutaka something he’d been desiring for a long while or even heady gratification through raunchy make up sex; their makeup sessions were always so tender and emotionally thought provoking, Yuu loving Yutaka even more with each apology.
“Ok, you’re not.” He actually found himself smiling, hands cupping the back of Yutaka’s head and stroking through brunette that was still just as soft as ever. Yutaka’s face was still bright and warm against his neck and for the first time since they’d been separated, Yuu actually felt at peace.
Yutaka’s arms around his waist. His arms around Yutaka. Everything was perfect, just as it should be. But then Yuu remembered all that had gone wrong, could feel that ridged ring dig into his back as Yutaka clasped tightly to the shirt in a hold that was relentless.
That was all it took.
Suddenly, Yutaka’s apology was meaningless. There was no kissing and making up this time. Yutaka was married; married to Akira’s little sister. He had a life Yuu could no longer be a part of and the realization allowed his earlier anger to begin rebuilding. Yutaka was the one he would always love, but that didn’t mean he could necessarily forgive him for all the pain he’s caused.
“Yutaka…do you love her?”
The question was out before he could even stop it. At this point, he was already in last place, so any hesitance from earlier completely washed away. He could walk away from this with Yutaka either all dimples and smiles or tears and words of anger. Either way, it just didn’t matter anymore. He was going to get answers to every damn question he had whether it killed him or not.
Yutaka’s light breaths came to a stop, the grip on Yuu’s shirt tightening. Unburying himself from the little cocoon he made in Yuu’s neck, his face beyond red, eyes slightly swollen. But no longer was there a trace of tears available.
Doe eyes looked at Yuu pleadingly, silently begging him not to force him to answer the question, but Yuu had to know and was done skirting around. Finally, after a long moment of silence, Yutaka flicked his tongue across his lips, moistening his dry tiers and uttering his carefully placed together words. “I…I appreciate her.”
Yuu hated himself for the rollercoaster of emotions he was feeling right now, but Yutaka’s answer automatically filled him with a dim sense of hope that he just got finished telling himself was no longer possible. Grabbing Yutaka’s hand, unfolding them from around his waist so he could lace their fingers together, grasping tightly in anticipation. “But do you love her?”
Something dark and heavy shone in Yutaka’s eyes, the secret the brunette was keeping to himself attempting to breach the surface. They refused to look away from one another, and when that sheepish smile of Yutaka’s stretched across his thin lips, Yuu knew. He knew that all those years he spent suffering…he hadn’t been suffering alone.
Yutaka didn’t bother with a proper answer. Instead his smile only deepened and he pulled away from Yuu. Reaching to his left he pulled the little tin box into his lap. “I think it’s time we went through this.” That smile refused to leave, having transformed from sheepish to roguish in such a short amount of time. And somehow, Yuu understood. This box…it wasn’t just a promise made between five friends over a decade ago. Yutaka hadn’t come up with the promise so they could all meet up later down the road and laugh at how stupid they’d been in their younger years.
Everything this little tin contained, it was a reflection.
Everyone in their group of five had locked away a little piece of themselves they never wished to forget. A piece of themselves that no matter how much life threw at them and changed their forms, they could come back and remember. It was something they never wanted to give up on, always wanted to keep a part of their life, and when Yuu remembered just what it was he shoved into that tiny box on the evening of their graduation night that decade ago, he couldn’t help but mimic Yutaka’s smile.
next part
