bitetoall136: (Group)
[personal profile] bitetoall136
Title:Change for Changes
Chapter: Oneshot
Author: [livejournal.com profile] bite_to_all136
Genre: Angst, Drama, Psychological, Romance, Fluff
Overall Warnings: Language, Subtle sex scene
Rating: R (to be safe)
Band(s): the GazettE
Pairings/Characters: Uruha & Kai, hinted Kai & Ruki
Summary: They would fight, they would break up, and then they would get back together. It was a vicious cycle and he could think of himself as nothing more than a masochist for experiencing such joy in a process that most endured nothing but pain from.
Notes: Requested by the lovely [livejournal.com profile] leader_kai <33 Sorry if it's not exactly what you wanted, my brain never listens properly, haha :P
Disclaimer: I do not own the characters, only the mediocre story line.


Change for Changes

It was a never ending pattern that Kai assumed he would never tire of.

They would fight, they would break up, and then they would get back together. It was a vicious cycle and he could think of himself as nothing more than a masochist for experiencing such joy in a process that most endured nothing but pain from. Their fights provided him with a thrill he couldn’t receive anywhere else, a thrill that he craved like no other. Their breakups left him with a hole in his heart so deep that it challenged the depths of the earth’s core, but it was that empty feeling which always gave him an odd sense of gratification. When they were finally reunited, when they had finally come full circle and had forgiven each other for all their mistakes and words said out of anger, it was literally the most invigorating feeling in the world. They would lay in bed together at night, hold one another, and be unable to control the smiles of gratitude which threatened to appear. Because, once more, they were getting another shot. They were getting a chance to start all over and build the perfect relationship, they were being provided the opportunity to be united with one another, to be truthful and form a connection that most could only dream of.

The overload of uphill feelings he would receive from their grueling pattern were sick, almost nearing on the verge of morbid, yet, he craved it. Seeing that fire build in Uruha’s deep eyes, knowing an argument was about to ensue that would end up being either physically or emotionally draining - it was all a drug to him, and right now he was itching for his next dose.

Forcibly sitting up in bed and stretching stiff muscles, he stared down into his lap and fumbled with the chain resting against his chest, twirling the silver ring attached to it round and round. It had been a gift from Uruha on one of their anniversaries years ago, and last night during their inevitable fight he had contemplated throwing it back at him to add an extra dose of fuel to the fire. However, as much as he had wished to follow through on those intentions, he had stopped himself. Because better than anybody else on this planet, he knew Uruha. He knew how he thought, and he knew just how much Uruha could actually take, and literally tossing something back in Uruha’s face that represented their relationship before it adapted to its current level of dysfunction was something Kai knew the other couldn’t take.

He loved Uruha, he cared about Uruha, but he himself was broken. For as deep as his feelings ran for the tall guitarist, no matter how much he tried to will himself to bring an end to the destructive pattern they had fallen into, he just couldn’t. The high he attained while suffering through fights and separations meant more to him than the happy, intimate moments shared with Uruha.

It made Kai feel disgusting.

It made him feel unworthy of Uruha’s love.

Yet, he did nothing to ever even try and attempt to put an end to their relationship for good. Because he needed Uruha just as much as he needed all those indescribable sensations their twisted relationship provided him with.

With a sigh, Kai finally stood out of bed and walked over to his closet. He and Uruha had already gone through their fight and break up stages, so he wasn’t all too surprised to see a gaping empty space on the right side where all of Uruha’s clothes usually hung. Running his fingers through his remaining clothes, he felt that hole in his heart begin to deepen; it made him feel alive and determined to make this the shortest break up he and Uruha had ever gone through.

Closing the closet door, he shuffled over to the small dresser instead and bent over, reaching into the bottom drawer. After wrapping his hands around the bundle of rolled clothing inside, he hugged the material to his chest and dipped his head, burying his face into the basic plain black t-shirt and pair of sweat pants, inhaling a combination of sandalwood and lavender; a scent that was unique to Uruha only.

He had learned after what seemed to be his and Uruha’s thousandth breakup that Uruha would always forget his favorite combination of night wear in this particular drawer every time he stormed out and put a supposed end to his and Kai’s relationship. Kai wasn’t sure if the guitarist purposefully left the clothes there, knowing exactly what Kai would do with them, or if maybe some of his own forgetfulness had rubbed off on Uruha over the years. All Kai knows is he was grateful for the clothing, because the few times it had felt as if his and Uruha’s relationship had actually ended for good, these articles of worn material provided him with more comfort than any words or actions ever could.

Slipping into the consuming shirt first, he then pulled on the over washed pair of gray sweat pants and cuffed the ends; Uruha’s clothing was always just the perfect amount of over-sized on him.

After throwing some water in his face and pulling his hair back into a short pony tail, he headed out the door and to the studio, hoping that soon after he got there he could enter into stage three of this never ending cycle with Uruha.

“Oy, Leader-san, you’re late.” Reita announced the moment Kai walked through the door, only to be met with a look from Kai that sent the blond bassist quiet the next second. Reita, just like the rest of the band, was used to these moments between him and Uruha by now. Kai’s tardiness and sullen expressions meant to leave him be; Uruha’s intentional isolation and constant mistakes throughout practice meant he was crashing on Reita’s couch and not up for conversation in the least bit. Everyone knew to leave them alone during these awkward spells, and so it did not surprise Kai in the least bit that after Reita’s initial comment after he had walked through the door, the entire room fell quiet.

“I know, sorry about that. I had a rough start to my morning.” Kai forced a smile and walked fully into the room, closing the door behind him and holding up a tray of drinks, “I brought tea and coffee for everyone to try and make up for being tardy, though. Uru, I-”

“That’s okay, I don’t want it.” Uruha interrupted before Kai could even finish his sentence. Kai stared, not surprised by Uruha’s behavior at all, and nodded his head, watching as Uruha crossed the room while counting out change. Kai knew Uruha was counting out just enough change so he could purchase a canned coffee out of a vending machine just down the hall from their recording studio, he knew Uruha was doing just that because this was what Uruha did every time they had a fight just to try and spite him and his intended good deeds. As much as it annoyed Kai, there was still that small part of him that was attracted to Uruha’s intentional standoff behavior.

“Don’t worry, Kai,” Ruki walked up to the drummer, offering him a warm smile and placing a hand on the small of his back, “Your money won’t go to waste. Uruha may not want your coffee, but I’ll happily drink his as well as the tea you got for me. I need all the extra caffeine possible today.”

Ruki’s fingers applied a light, comforting pressure to Kai’s back, making a small, barely there smile appear at the corners of his lips. Whereas Reita and Aoi had pretty much given up on Kai’s relationship with Uruha, Ruki was always supportive. Ruki had stated on multiple occasions that Kai’s relationship with Uruha was beyond toxic, but every time he made such a statement he was sure to back it up with an encouraging comment, telling Kai that even though he didn’t approve of how they treated each other, if their twisted relationship made one another happy, then he would continue to support them.

“Thanks, Ru. You’re the best.” Handing Ruki off two of the four drinks in the tray, Kai then handed the other two members the beverages he had gotten for them before taking a seat on the couch centered in the middle of the room, bringing his knees up to his chest, “Sorry, guys, I’m a bit scatter brained this morning. Could you remind me again of what the schedule is today?”

A snort echoed across the room and Kai looked up to see Uruha had just re-entered the room and was rolling his eyes at him, apparently having caught Kai’s question just seconds ago. Before anymore awkwardness could form across the room, Aoi cleared his throat and answered Kai, “Well, Ru, Rei, and I all finished recording our parts yesterday. You and Uruha were supposed to come in and finish up as well, but none of us could get a hold of either of you…”

Kai knew why that was. Because he and Uruha had been in the middle of another one of their heated arguments. There had been yelling, there had been any and all objects either of them could get their hands on thrown around, which, inevitably, meant that one, or in this case both, of their cell phones had ended up thrown across the room, shattering more than just the screen and deeming the devices useless.

“Sorry about that,” Kai cleared his throat, pulling his knees tighter against his chest and biting into his bottom lip, feeling guilty that his unstable relationship with Uruha was now beginning to effect the band’s work. “I…If you three are already finished up, you can just head on home, then. Uruha and I can finish up our parts and then we can start mixing on Monday.”

Aoi and Reita nodded their heads, grabbed their Styrofoam cups of coffee, and then headed out the door without another word. Again, Kai knew this was a process they were familiar with, so it didn’t even bother him that two of the closest people in his life seemed not to care in the least bit that he was currently distressed. They knew in a weeks’ time or less everything would be back to normal; they were done playing these childish games he and Uruha seemed almost too eager to play. Kai really couldn’t blame them for not caring, he would’ve given up long ago as well if he had been in their position.

“Are you sure? I can stay here until you finish, Kai. You know I like to be here while everyone records anyway.”

Ruki’s statement unveiled a small schism of light in Kai’s seemingly darkening world. Ruki was someone most suspected was crass and sarcastic, and a good portion of the time he was just that. However, during moments like these where Kai was feeling small and unsure, Ruki always knew just what to say in order to lift his spirits even slightly.

“It’s fine, Ru, really, it is. Uru and I need to talk anyway, so you just head on home and spend some quality time with that little fur ball of yours, okay? Tell Koron I’ll stop by next week with a new toy for him to destroy.”

Ruki smiled as he stood and began slipping on his coat, “Why don’t you just be a good uncle and call him up and tell him that yourself, hmm?”

The playful tone Ruki was giving off almost made Kai forget all about his current situation with Uruha, but as he went to reply with an equally as playful remark, he felt Uruha’s eyes burning into the back of his head, making him dwindle back down to the sullen embodiment he was upon first walking into the studio this morning.

Ruki, apparently, noticed the tense atmosphere and gave Kai’s shoulder a squeeze and provided him with a sincere look before grabbing his bag and exiting the room, not even daring to look Uruha in the eye.

“You should really realize by now that I’m never going to be jealous of Ruki, Kai. So just cut out the damn flirting already, it’s disgusting.”

Kai’s brows furrowed at Uruha’s venomous remark and he turned his body enough to look over the hood of the couch with confusion sprawled across every centimeter of his face. Uruha’s remark was out of the usual. After a fight Kai typically received the silent treatment from the other and he would have to pester the tall guitarist repeatedly until he finally gave him the time of day to begin properly discussing their relationship, so the remark about Ruki that was laced with utmost hatred had the hairs on the back of Kai’s neck standing.

This was a new path in their once familiar routine and he wasn’t sure what to expect now.

“Flirting?” Kai questioned, standing from the couch and taking a few steps closer to Uruha while crossing his arms over his chest, “Where the hell did you get flirting out of our conversation?”

Uruha merely rolled his eyes and dropped down onto a stool, picking up his guitar, which lay in a rack nearest to the wall, and began to strum random notes, “Guess it really shouldn’t matter that you were flirting with him given the fact that we’re broken up.”

Kai actually felt his heart still. He and Uruha had split apart endless amounts of times, but never before, not even once, had either of them ever declared out loud that they were actually finished.

Because that made everything too real.

“Uru, I-” Kai choked on his words, his thoughts moving far too fast to decipher exactly what he wanted to say, “What’re you talking about? We-”

“What do you mean what am I talking about? Do you not remember last night? We fought for three hours, Kai. Three. I can’t handle this shit any more, I just can’t. I’m just…I’m so done. I love you, but I seriously can’t do this anymore. It’s over…for good this time.”

This wasn’t how things were supposed to go, this wasn’t what Uruha was supposed to be saying right now. Year after year, month after month, day after day. The system of their relationship was never supposed to change. Fight, break up, get back together. That was just how things flowed. Looking into Uruha’s desolate eyes, though, Kai could see the older man was nothing but serious. This wasn’t some cruel comment said to arouse another brawl between them, this wasn’t meant to be said as something that would act as fuel to the would be post fight sex which typically ensued between them. Uruha’s statement had been said for two reasons and two reasons only; to inform, and to hurt. And based on how Kai’s heart had just plummeted into the pits of his stomach, it was safe to say the guitarist had accomplished just that.

Still, he forced himself to chuckle wryly, rolling his eyes playfully, “Whatever you say, Uru. Come on, let’s just get our recordings done and out of the way, we’ll talk things through later…”

Because they had to, there was no way they couldn’t.

Hours later, after countless mistakes on both of their parts, they finally had a rough recording complete. Kai was well aware it wasn’t either of their best works, but at the moment, with all he had rampaging inside his head, he really could not care. He wanted this tedious session to be over with as soon as possible, because not only had the atmosphere been tense and awkward, but Uruha’s silence and complete refusal to even glance his way had the drummer feeling as if he were suffocating. The routine Kai had become accustomed to after years of perfecting it was finally beginning to come undone, and it was honestly beginning to scare the shit out of him.

“Uru,” he called softly, reaching out a hand to place it on Uruha’s shoulder, only to have his face drop when the guitarist purposefully avoided the usually friendly gesture by quickly turning, still refusing the acknowledge Kai’s existence. “Come on, Uru, we need to ta-”

“No, Kai, no we don’t.” Uruha’s mellow tone interrupted, and Kai knew it was ridiculous, but those five short words felt as if he had just had ice water thrown on him; they completely froze him in time. “We’re over, why can’t you understand that?”

“Because I know you don’t mean it, Uru.” Kai croaked out after a few minutes, stepping closer to Uruha once more, this time able to grab onto a lower section of Uruha’s arm before the guitarist attempted to pull it away again, “We’ve been together how long now? You’re not going to end things between us all over one silly fight. I-”

“No,” Uruha suddenly ripped his arm away from Kai, turning to grab his bag and begin shoving his things into it, “Don’t even try and guilt me into fixing things between us, I’m done. Because I know you and I know this isn’t going to be the last time we fight, Kai. I just…I’m getting older and I don’t want this to be what I deal with for the rest of my life. I love you, but the two of us together? It’s just – it’s no good, Kai. So, I’m sorry but…this is it. I’ll be by later on this week to pick up the rest of my things…”

Without another word Uruha fastened his bag on his back and left, not even awarding Kai with one last glance.

Kai stood there, unable to move, unable to process what had just happened.

The never ending pattern he assumed he would never tire of just took an unpredicted turn for the worse, and he wasn’t sure what to feel. Which was okay, because at the moment he felt nothing.

He was completely numb.
***

Two days passed, then another and another, and before Kai could even properly process it, a week had already gone by since he last spoke to Uruha. When he went into the studio to mix the latest track with the rest of the band, Uruha had magically gotten stuck in traffic and couldn’t make it in until well after Kai had already left to attend a meeting. When Kai texted or called Uruha, his messages were either completely ignored or he was sent directly to voice mail. Uruha was using every little excuse and mechanism to avoid him, making it finally begin to sink it that this was all real – Uruha had finally ended it for good.

“Kai, you’re sulking.” Ruki’s soft tone brought him out of his numbing thoughts. He turned and looked at the vocalist, who had made himself comfortable at the end of his sofa, and simply blinked.

“The guy I’ve been dating for nearly as long as I’ve been in this band just dumped me, am I really not allowed to sulk?”

“No when he’s supposed to be walking through that door any moment,” Ruki said authoritively, pointing towards the front door, “You have to show him you’re not hurting, Kai. Otherwise he’s going to think he’s won. Prove to him that you don’t miss him, prove to him that you don’t need him, p-”

“But…why? Why would I prove any of that to him when it’s not true?”

Silence entrapped the room after Kai’s statement and the pair of men in the room stared at each other uncomfortably until there was finally a knock at the door minutes later. “I’ll go get that, you stay here and try and put yourself together.”

Kai watched Ruki walk off and his heart started beating at frighteningly fast speeds as he watched the vocalist’s small hand wrap around the knob, getting ready to pull the door open.

Uruha was finally stopping by to gather the rest of his things today. He was stopping by to clear out any and all evidence that his and Kai’s relationship had ever existed. As nervous as Kai was to see Uruha for the first time since that grueling day in the studio, he was also remotely excited. Would Uruha speak to him? Would they get into another argument that sent Kai’s blood rushing throughout his body in the best of ways? Those were sick thoughts and Kai hated himself for having them, but maybe, just maybe, he could experience that high one last time before Uruha wrote him out of his life for good.

“Hey,” Uruha stood in front of him, a baseball cap on top of his head to cover what Kai knew was a head of unwashed hair and sun glasses to disguise bags that were surely under his eyes. Uruha never slept well or took care of himself when he was crashing on Reita’s couch; it was always late night video game adventures, junk food, and days of not showering. The thought of Reita offering Uruha the comfort and laid back nights Uruha thrived for but Kai could never give the guitarist made Kai smile slightly. At least someone could make Uruha happy.

“Hey…” Kai stood up off the couch and dusted imaginary crumbs off his clothes, pointing his head in the direction of the bedroom, “I went ahead and packed up most of your stuff for you. You can just go on ahead back there and grab it if you’d like.”

Uruha hummed and nodded his head and began his descent into the bedroom. However, he soon paused and looked over his shoulder, speaking up hesitantly, “If you wouldn’t mind leaving your…guest alone for a moment, I’d kind like to talk to you…in private.”

That statement had been completely unsuspected and gave Kai a sheer shimmer of hope. Those words were words he had heard before – those words brought him back into the cycle he and Uruha were oh so familiar with. “Yeah, um, Ru? Would you mind-”

Ruki raised a hand before Kai could even complete his sentence and began moving back to the front door, grabbing his coat, “I know the drill. I guess I’ll see you two Monday.”

Kai and Uruha both watched Ruki walk out the door, and just as it closed Uruha cleared his throat, “Just because Ruki thinks us talking means we’re getting back together doesn’t mean we are. I meant what I said back at the studio.”

The guitarist turned on his heels and in headed into the bedroom without another word; Kai’s small bit of gathering hope completely diminished.

To say things were awkward between them was the understatement of the century. Uruha stood sorting through all the boxes Kai had packed up for him, and Kai sat on the bed watching him. Uruha’s movements were stiff and Kai could tell the other was moving intentionally slow due to his eyes being glued to him, but Kai couldn’t help it. He was completely transfixed.

“So…what was it you wanted to talk about?” Kai finally spoke up in a heavy voice, gaze still focused on Uruha and Uruha only.

Sighing, the guitarist put down the current box he was sorting through and sat on the bed next to Kai. He removed his cap and ran his fingers through his hair out of habit and then bit onto the inside of his cheek before focusing on Kai again, “Our fight last week? It was completely unnecessary; you know that?” Knowing Uruha was right, Kai finally tore his eyes away from him and looked out the window instead. He knew where this was going, he knew this was his fault. “Kai, look at me.”

Fingers caressed his chin and positioned his head so he had no choice but to look at Uruha again. It was a contrasting touch, one that was gentle provided by fingers that were tough from years of play.

Uruha’s hand moved, this time cupping the side of Kai’s face as his thumb moved under the swelling water duct, catching a lone tear. “Kai, come on, talk to me. All these fights we’ve had lately, they’re so – so silly. You start stuff with me out of nowhere and I just don’t understand why. Talk to me, tell me why…”

All Kai could manage in response was to shake his head. He pulled back from Uruha’s touch and leaned against his headboard, taking to his usual comforting position of hugging his legs to his chest, “You’re asking me to answer questions I don’t even know the answers to myself, Uru. I don’t know why I do the things I do. All I know is I-” he paused, not knowing if saying something he’s kept to himself for years out loud would be a relief or add more weight to the heavy burden already on his shoulders, “I just know that I shouldn’t like arguing with you as much as I do...”

“You…like arguing with me?” Uruha raised his brows as his face contorted into bewilderment, “Kai, that’s-”

“Fucked up, I know.”

“I was going to say strange, but your description works as well.”

Kai snorted and he laughed his first real laugh since before he and Uruha had their last argument. Uruha was always so blunt and straight forward, and that was something Kai had always loved about him. It wasn’t until now, until this very moment, that Kai found himself questioning why he loved that quality about the lead guitarist so much. Was it because Uruha’s blunt ways evoked those arguments Kai received his strange thrill from? Or was it because it was actually an endearing trait that most did not possess?

“Uru, you’ve known I was strange since the day we met.”

“Yeah, I certainly did,” Uruha smiled, brushing back some of Kai’s hair affectionately, “but even back then, even when you were our nothing but skin and bones leader with the awful fried noodle hair, even then I knew I wanted to be with you for as long as I could. And I can promise you Kai, nothing is ever going to change that.”

Leaning forward, Uruha pressed a kiss to Kai’s forehead. Upon pulling away, he rested a hand on Kai’s knee and squeezed.

“For now though? The two of us need a break. You need to figure yourself out and, I don’t know, maybe someday we can start all over again. I love you, Kai, and no amount of silly fights are going to change that.” With another kiss pressed to Kai’s forehead, Uruha stood and began stacking a few of the lighter boxes, offering Kai a smile, “See you later, Leader-san. Rest early, you look exhausted.

Kai watched Uruha walk away. Another fight hadn’t broken out between them, instead they’d talked things through in what Kai considered to be a rather reasonable fashion. The thrill he usually achieved from their arguments most definitely wasn’t there, but instead a wave of calm Kai hadn’t once experienced in his entire life was.

He wasn’t sure what this was. Was it the start of a new routine? Because if it was, this may be a new pattern he thought he could maybe become accustomed to.
***

It was strange getting used to not having Uruha in his life the same way he’d had him for over ten years. His apartment seemed more empty, not just because Uruha’s belongings were no longer crammed in there as well, but because Uruha’s presence was a commanding one and took up a lot of space. At work, Kai learned to appreciate moments with the tall guitarist he hadn’t been able to admire in the longest time. The way Uruha would crack a joke that would have the other members sending him questioning stares, but would have Kai laughing under his breath. The way small, simple gestures like Uruha handing him his drumsticks or even a towel to wipe away his sweat after a heated practice session would make him feel warm and treasured. Even the way he would simply feel Uruha’s eyes on him when he became beyond frustrated with their hectic schedules and would have to spend spare time in the practice room working his aggression out on his drum kit.

All these small gestures began to come into light when every second of every day wasn’t spent trying to come up with new ways to get Uruha angry at him – it was nice. Completely unexpected, but still, nice.

He and Uruha spent a lot of time together, both professionally and personally, and surprisingly there was never a single mention of their relationship. There were never any ‘what if’s or ‘would be’s. There was only the two of them hanging out, rebuilding a friendship that had been lost years ago through means of a romantic one. They’d already been apart for three months, yet Kai was sure this was the closest they had been since their first few years together.

There hadn’t even been a fight between them since the one that ended their relationship.

“Hey,” Kai looked up from his laptop and smiled at Uruha, accepting the steaming mug of tea he had made for him. He placed his laptop on the coffee table in front of him and slouched back against the couch, rewarding himself with a short break. He had been working through some papers their manager had sent him over yesterday afternoon for hours now, but those hours seemed like next to nothing with Uruha keeping him company throughout the night.

“Thanks,” taking careful sips of the tea, Kai hummed contently, unable to retract the smile etched upon his lips. These past few months were the lightest he has felt in forever. Taking a break from the toxicity which was typically his and Uruha’s relationship had allowed his body to feel restored and he no longer felt weighed down by those dark motives that seemed to control his life not so long ago. He felt at peace with himself. “You don’t have to stay here, Uru, you know that, right?”

“I know, but I want to.” Uruha’s eyes never once left the television screen in front of him, but Kai could still sense the sincerity in his words. They made him feel warm.

They fell into another round of silence as Kai got back to work and Uruha continued watching television. However, that silence was soon broken by Uruha speaking up and asking a question Kai hadn’t quite been expecting. “You know what tomorrow is?”

Of course Kai knew what tomorrow was. It was the very reason he had been sat in front of his computer for the past few hours working on last minute preparations. He knew that, he knew Uruha knew that, so why was he asking?

“Uru, we’ve been planning for this live for a while, of course I know-”

“I’m not talking about the band’s anniversary, Kai. I’m talking about ours…”

How could he have been so forgetful? All these years that have passed, each and every anniversary they have celebrated as a band always meant more to Kai than words could possibly describe. Because another year together as a band, another year together doing exactly what he loved to do for a living, meant another year together with Uruha.

“Oh. I- Oh…” That was the best response he could come up with at the moment. He and Uruha were separated, the thought of celebrating another year together with the other wasn’t even close to being on his mind considering the fact that, well, they weren’t together anymore. “Uru, I-”

“This would’ve been our eleventh year together, you know that? Eleven years…wow…where did the time go?” Kai watched Uruha cross his arms over his chest and stare down into his lap, chewing on his inner cheek in thought.

Kai wanted to be able to answer Uruha, but watching the guitarist now brought him back in time. The way Uruha looked nervous yet hopeful. The way he crossed his arms over himself, hoping to hide everything he was feeling and thinking from those around him. It was the same exact way Uruha had stood back stage after their third anniversary live what seemed like an entire life time ago. It was the same way he had stood as Kai approached him still sweaty and in full costume and makeup and asked Uruha if he’d give him a ride back to his place.

It was the very beginning of their relationship unfolding right before him again; it was both overwhelming and bittersweet.

“Uru?” Kai’s voice cracked as he spoke up and twisted his body just enough so he was now facing away from his laptop with his attention fully on the man next to him, “Can I tell you something?”

Uruha laughed wryly and looked up from his lap, voice soft when he spoke up, “You should know by now that you can tell me anything, Kai.”

Kai knew this would be a rather difficult conversation to have, but it’s one he has wished to have with Uruha for months now. He’d wanted to tell him he had done as instructed, he wanted to tell him that he was trying his best to get his strange addiction to their damaged relationship under control. However, he knew he couldn’t tell him immediately. He knew he had to wait and see if these sessions even paid off first, and then he had to wait until he felt as if he was ready to talk to Uruha. For a while it seemed as if the opportune moment would never come, but right here, right at this moment, something inside of Kai told him that this was it. It was finally time to let Uruha know he was working hard to fix them – to fix both their past and their hopeful future.

“After we broke up, I went and got some help.” It was just one sentence, but that one sentence alone made Kai’s heart begin to pound against his chest and his palms begin to sweat. Thoughts of being judged for his actions, or being laughed at or even scolded all taunted him, but he knew Uruha and he knew he would never behave in such a way just out of respect for him alone. “I…I went and started talking to somebody and they’ve really helped me to, um…get under control some of those weird…expectations I had of our relationship before. So, I, um-”

“Kai,” Uruha interrupted him midsentence, encompassing both of Kai’s shaking hands in just one of his.

Uruha’s simple touch had an instant calming effect on Kai. The shaking stopped, and he actually felt like he could breathe again, “Y-yes?”

“Do you want a ride home from the live tomorrow, Kai?” A sweet smile that Kai knew had been reserved for him for years spread across Uruha’s lips. It was light, barely there, but Kai knew it was the most earnest and sincere smile Uruha had to offer. It was a smile intended only for him, and Kai felt like fireworks literally started going off inside of him the moment he saw it.

For a while there he was beginning to believe he’d never see that smile again.

“Yeah,” he smiled back, leaning his head on Uruha’s shoulder, “I’d really appreciate that.”
***

He hadn’t been able to take his eyes off of Uruha the entire live. Ruki wasn’t there, Aoi and Reita didn’t exist. It was almost two and a half hours of Kai stealing glances of Uruha every chance he could. There were moments where Uruha had appeared so graceful that Kai had almost been stunned still and missed a beat, and then there were other moments where Uruha would play a certain note or move his body in such a way that Kai was reminded of the young, uncoordinated guitarist he first met and first fell for. It was a live he wanted to last forever, but at the same time he wanted it to end just as soon as it began. Because Uruha’s offer last night suggested the start of a new cycle, and this time Kai was going to make sure he established a strong, stable foundation for them.

Soon they were gathering at the center of the stage as a group, and it was only when Ruki’s hand grabbed his own did Kai finally register the other members were actually there. They bowed, took in the crowds’ cheers and applause, and after bowing and giving a few more thanks all five were back stage, plopping down onto the couch provided, sweat and all, embracing the cool air the room was filled with.

Kai listened in silence to all of his bandmates chat on and on about the live. How energetic the crowd had been, how the crowd singing every single lyric back to them offered a thrill they would never get sick of. Hearing the excitement in their voices was enough for Kai to feel at ease and begin to relax, allowing the natural high their performance provided him with to begin to dwindle down. But no sooner did his body begin to regulate was when Uruha walked up to him, changed into his street clothes and with makeup smeared all over his face.

He nudged Kai in the knee with his own and smiled, “Ready to get home, Leader-san?”

Kai smiled and grabbed his bag, following Uruha out the back door.

The entire car ride Kai could literally feel the anticipation building in the atmosphere around them. Neither of them spoke a word, and he could swear there were moments where he heard both his and Uruha’s hearts beat in unison. It was raining outside, so even if Kai knew what to say to the man next to him at the moment he wouldn’t have spoken even a single whisper – he knew Uruha didn’t like to have his concentration broken while driving in the rain.

When they finally pulled in front of Kai’s apartment complex, Kai felt a sudden warmth over his knee, looking down to find Uruha’s hand on his knee, “Ready to make a run for it?”

Kai shrugged his shoulders, hiding a slight smile, “It’s just rain, right? Nothing wrong with getting a little wet.”

“Hmmm, especially when you know I’m going to make you an offer to dry you off warm you up.”

Before Kai could even think of a swift come back Uruha was out the car and running down the side walk. With a brilliant smile etched across his lips, Kai got out of the car and followed after Uruha, taking his time to catch up even as Uruha yelled after him to hurry.

There wasn’t an inch of their bodies that wasn’t drenched by the time they stepped foot into Kai’s apartment, and when Kai turned to face Uruha he couldn’t help but laugh. His makeup was running down his face even more so than earlier, “You should really should let the makeup artists do their jobs and allow them to properly remove your makeup after the lives.” He stepped closer, running his thumb under Uruha’s eye and smearing the black coal even more, “You look a mess.”

“Hmm, but I’m a hot mess, aren’t I?” Uruha wiggled his brows playfully, making Kai snort.

“You’re a mess who’s been living with Reita too long, his boyish personality is rubbing off on you.” Patting Uruha’s cheek, Kai turned to walk towards his bathroom, “I’m going to go grab us some towels, be right back.”

However, before he could step even a full foot away from the guitarist he felt a hand wrap around his wrist and tug him flush against the drenched man behind him, his back plastered against Uruha’s stomach as Uruha pressed his lips against his ear and whispered, “I was serious about my offer earlier. Let me warm you up,” Uruha’s hands slid under Kai’s soaked shirt, rubbing up the drummer’s stomach and making him shiver, “And dry you off…” Those soft lips began pressing light kisses to Kai’s neck, tongue flicking out occasionally to lap up stray drops of rain.

Kai hadn’t even realized his entire body really had been freezing until he felt every little touch Uruha had to offer and a swarm of heat attached his entire body. He fell back into Uruha’s body right away, accepting his caresses without any words, just his movements alone. As Uruha nipped and sucked his way down his neck Kai found his hips moving naturally, making sure there wasn’t an inch between them and Uruha could feel his every movement. A moan he hadn’t even known was building escaped him when he felt Uruha’s hard cock brush against him for the first time, and that’s when Kai knew he wouldn’t be able to keep up with this slow pace Uruha had set.

He broke out of the guitarist’s hold and faced towards him, looking Uruha up and down with hungry eyes before shoving him against the wall and smashing their lips together in a kiss so hard he was sure he and Uruha both would have matching split lips in the morning. Uruha knew just what he liked, resting his hands on Kai’s hips and pulling them against his, keeping up with the grinding Kai had started earlier while their tongues continued to dance and tangle, near savage moans slipping out of each of their mouths as their heavy breathing and the wet sound of kissing surrounded them.

“Fuck,” Uruha broke the kiss with a lewd pop, resting his forehead against Kai’s and tightening his hold on his hips, “I can’t believe I’ve survived three months without touching you.”

Kai laughed breathlessly, his hands curling around the back of Uruha’s neck as he lips grazed across his chest, “Good news is you won’t have to go another even another second.” Lifting his head, he smiled at Uruha before pecking his swollen lips and grabbing his hand, “Come on, let’s take this back to the bedroom.”

As soon as they made it back to the bedroom it was as if there had never been even a mild interruption. Their hands were back on each other with as much heat as before, their lips were moving and meshing together without a care in the world, and in no time they were both naked and in bed, kissing and touching with just as much passion as Kai straddled Uruha’s waist.

Kai kissed down Uruha’s jaw, neck, and chest, nipping hard enough to leave behind light bruises which he knew Uruha would appreciate in the morning. He had just started to suck on the supple skin near the guitarist’s navel when he felt those calloused hands run up his back, making him shudder.

“Get on your back, Kai. I want to do something for you.”

It was a tone that could be described as nothing but laid back, but Kai was smart enough and knew Uruha better than anyone to know it wasn’t just a suggestion, but instead a demand. And with all the stress that had been surrounding him these past couple of weeks leading up to the live, allowing Uruha to take control of the reigns sounded nothing more than inviting.

Crawling off of Uruha, Kai settled onto the other side of the bed and smiled at Uruha as he flopped over on top of him and began kissing down his body, just as Kai had been doing moments before, “Plan on giving us matching bruises? How sweet.” He giggled, his eyes closing and a relaxed hum slipping from him as Uruha sucked on his Adams apple.

“Hmm, maybe. But I still have something even better planned for you…” Uruha continued kissing down his body, touching and sucking on every inch of skin he knew would draw the largest and most vocal reactions from Kai, Kai able to feel the guitarist smirk against his skin every time he drew an even louder response from him.

Uruha kissed lower and lower, making Kai gasp with every touch. They hadn’t even been separated that long, but for so long that fear of losing Uruha for good had haunted Kai, making him treasure all the more how gentle Uruha was being with him at the moment. Usually it was rushed and they were rough with one another, but now more than ever Kai was grateful Uruha had taken the initiative and slowed things down between them once more.

“Oh fuck,” Kai’s back arched off the bed and his hands tangled in Uruha’s hair as Uruha bit down on the soft skin next to his hip bone, lapping his tongue over the new mark.
“Sorry,” Uruha chuckled gravely, “I’ve been dying to do that all night.” He placed a soft kiss to the mark before continuing his descent downwards; covering Kai’s thighs in kisses, carefully marking his inner thighs before spreading his legs apart even more, “But I’ve been dying to do this even longer.”

Kai felt the tip of Uruha’s tongue glide across his entrance, making him gasp. His eyes shut in complete bliss and his thighs wrapped around Uruha’s head, encouraging the guitarist to continue with his actions. Because Kai knew now that Uruha had started he needed him to finish, no doubts about it.

“S-shit, Uru…” Uruha kept flicking his tongue, licking all across Kai’s entrance, then teasingly dipping the tip of his tongue inside that tight heat. Within no time Kai could feel himself leaking, his stomach becoming moist with the precome dripping from his hard cock. Uruha knew what he needed, knew what he wanted. He was the only man that would ever understand Kai completely; he was the only man who would be able to reduce Kai to this babbling mess.

Soon, Uruha began crawling back up Kai’s body, simply smiling at the drummer before reaching over into one of the side drawers the nightstand provided, “Ahh, still keep the lube and condoms in the same place, I see.”

That made Kai snort – Uruha’s sense of humor was always so dry. “Just because you moved out doesn’t mean they needed to as well.”

Uruha chuckled, lubing up his fingers as he did, “Well, I can see they haven’t been used much since I’ve left.” He tossed the bottle onto the bed, pointing towards it, “That little guy is still only about half way empty.”

“Sorry if I haven’t exactly been in the mood for masturbating. My boyfriend of ten years recently dumped me and I’ve been seeing a shrink three times a week. Touching myself hasn’t exactly been on my to do schedule.”

“I love how you accuse me of sounding like Rei from hanging around with him too much when you’re just as guilty of sounding like Ruki. Maybe you two-”

Two of Kai’s fingers were placed over Uruha’s lips, silencing him, “Maybe you should just shut up and fuck me already.”
Uruha merely grinned, pushing in a single lubed finger while smashing his and Kai’s lips together for the umpteenth time tonight.

Even after they’d gotten off, the kissing and touching never once died down. They laid in bed a tangled mess of limbs, staring at one another with uncontrolled smiles and messy hair, tracing the marks they had left on one another’s bodies.

It was a reassuring calm Kai hadn’t experienced with Uruha since they had first started dating, and he couldn’t realize how he had gone all these years without experiencing this sweet level of intimacy with the guitarist he now knew he was going to be craving for the rest of his life.

Leaning closer to Uruha, he placed his head on his chest, which was still damp with sweat, and closed his eyes, listening to his heart beat and chuckling, “We came over twenty minutes ago, Uru. Why’s your heart still beating so fast?”

Uruha hummed, his fingers still dancing lightly up and down Kai’s back, “Hmm, because…my heart always beats this fast when you’re around. So, I kind of hope this means my heart will continue beating this fast for the rest of my life.”

Untucking his face from Uruha’s chest, Kai stared up at the guitarist, looking a bit more than baffled. Uruha has always been straight forward and to the point, but the occasions where he was this cheesy were rare and far and few in between. It was so out of character for Uruha to behave in such a way, and that’s why Kai suspected the unusual behavior confused him, yet made him realize that Uruha’s love for him has, and always will, be there.

“That almost sounded like a proposal, you know that?”

“Yeah,” Uruha replied nonchalantly, rolling over onto a pillow and hugging it, “And after all the shit you’ve put me through, I expect you to say yes.”

The chance to start the next chapter of their lives.

The opportunity to start over.

The start of a new, healthy cycle.

How could Kai possibly say no to that?
***

Author's Note: My long ass note that was here before will not be re-typed bc it's one in the morning and the LJ app decided to destroy this ENTIRE post so I had to quickly re-edit everything and...it was just a mess, okay? lol. Just...thank you all for reading, good night! If there are any massive editing mistakes I will have to correct them in the AM. Lesson learned - don't ever use the LJ app for anything E V E R.
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